Five Tenets worth...

As usual my wonderful friends have offered their words of wisdom. Yes it seems that I am hypocritical about my 5 rules. I make other rules, then break them, but stick to ones that serve me best. Everyone has urged me to re-examine those rules by which I'm so fixated and to see if I truly believe them or not.

Well for a while I wasn't sure how to do this exactly... oh excuse me I'm burning supper again. BRB.

Only burnt my tongue. Supper I'm sure will taste great, but without my tongue I'll never know. sigh. But I digress, back to the matter at hand:

These were my five basic points:

1 - I have always maintained that no boyfriend of mine will ever change me, and I shall not attempt to change them.
2 - I have always maintained that the art of a good relationship lies in being able to do different things seperately as well as together (couples).
3 - I am a magnificent manipulator (either through others not wanting to fight, not caring, or being manipulated)
4 - I have always maintained that should I have prior plans, no partner would ever supercede those plans.
5 - A 'scoring' system in a relationship is as far as I'm concerned the first warning bell.

Now lets break each one down and look at it.

1 - I have always maintained that no boyfriend of mine will ever change me, and I shall not attempt to change them.

Right, devils advocate - As humans we should learn and grow from one another. Others should inspire us, lead us to better places, and be there to allow us to stumble and start again. Sometimes a loved one may be hurting people or themselves and we need to step in and take action. We need to change their mindset. What if ones partner is a racist. Should one not try to change them? (this is pro people changing one another just by the by.) Can I think of any other good reasons to change someone? OK, time for the 'against'. If I am doing something that is harming another or myself (alcohol, heavy drugs, anger management issues) would it be changing me if my partner took me to rehab? I do not think so. It would be bringing me back to my old self, getting rid of the externally induced horror. What if I am racist? Should my partner constantly tell me it's wrong? Or only occasionally? Would I change as a result? Yes I would. But that's again EXTERNAL. It's how I perceive other humans.

How about religion? Should I try to change my partner to my religion so that he can be saved? Well we all know that was a cheap shot. I don't have a religion, and I wouldn't go out with someone who did. But what about someone who is a recluse. Should I try to change them? Try to get them to enjoy the world more? Go out, you'll see, it'll be fun? Now I know I say this to a few of my friends on a fairly regular basis. So perhaps I am a little hypocritical. I try to change them... to a way of thinking that I feel is best for them. And there is the crux of the matter I suppose.

What is best for them, as I see it. Thus I must admit others must be doing to me with the same intent. OK, so lets try this amendment:

1 - I shall not attempt to change how my boyfriend sees the world externally, but I shall try internal salvation...

Crap this doesn't really hold true. OK. So how about this: I won't try to change someones fundamental viewpoints? Fuck. That one goes to. Guilty. Right - how about this:

1 - No boyfriend of my may overtly or covertly attempt to alter ME without my approval.

There that reads...truer. Now why?

There are three things I do not like about myself:

A - My body. But I lost 3 kilos at gym and so am working on it, slowly.

B - My inability at self - control. I keep trying but give in to impulse (har har). OK so that's a big one.

C - My cowardness. I hate confrontation. I will do anything to avoid it. Lie, cheat, write letters... anything.

What I do pride myself on though is my conviction that what I hold dear is as true as I can get it, for now. I'm willing to learn, to adapt, and to change. But I suppose it has taken me so long to get to a place where I accept myself for what I am, to challenge what I am is to make less of my struggle to gain acceptance of the flawed self.

No doubt I have flaws. But I would just like a couple decades where I can learn how to be me, before I have to relearn how not to be the not-nice me. I don't need a reminder. So perhaps lets change that point number 1 again.

1 - I shall allow my boyfriend an intermittent, subtle attempt to change me, and will be more accepting of others and also intermittently attempt to change them.

Wow. That's a bit more grey isn't it? But it allows for Carmen's 1st rule of Hogwash. Rules are flexible and designed to be questioned. OK, so now that that is cleared up, I am happier with it. We are all going to try to change one another, but it shouldn't be a battle of wills, and it shouldn't be constant. Support is more important than dominion perhaps... god did I just say that?

shit the dinner. BRB

So burnt mince is on the menu. I believe in the olden days people purposefully burnt food to give it a crunchy... burnt taste. Viva le histori! I say.

So I guess a relationship must be some kind of compassionate acceptance of another. But with the caveat that one must be there to offer guidance, sometimes with a hammer, sometimes with a feather. Even if it seems a battle, it should always be treated as support, never attack.

Shit. Thanks friends. Another magical moment of self realization at how far I still need to get before I can call myself human. My alien overlords will be happy with this progress...

The 'We' syndrome

So I had my first experience of the 'We' syndrome last night. But where to begin? Well, let me establish a few things:

1 - I have always maintained that no boyfriend of mine will ever change me, and I shall not attempt to change them.
2 - I have always maintained that the art of a good relationship lies in being able to do different things seperately as well as together (couples).
3 - I am a magnificent manipulator (either through others not wanting to fight, not caring, or being manipulated)
4 - I have always maintained that should I have prior plans, no partner would ever supercede those plans.
5 - A 'scoring' system in a relationship is as far as I'm concerned the first warning bell.

So those are what I have clung too, and I think blogs past will testify to this. Those blogs past however were written as a single person, not someone who'd experienced a relationship. So now I am in a relationship, and as you guessed, have had to revisit some of those 5 tennets above.

I'm going to deal with option 2, 3, 4, and 5 first. Apollo told me yesterday that a good friend, in fact his closest friends were having a dinner party that evening. I had already made plans with another friend of mine (my flatmate) for dinner. Furthermore I didn't feel like going out, but rather wanted to stay indoors to work on a new project that had arrisen that day before.

So I enacted option 2: You go to dinner, I'll stay at home. In my opinion this seemed fine. But the 'we' card was played: I'm not going to dinner if you're not going to dinner because I want to be with you. This takes us into the realms of option 3 and 4, and possibly 5. My immidiate defense was that I didn't want to go because it (the prospect of dinner and meeting new people) was a bore. I meet new people all the time, and really just wanted a quiet evening.

Now as a master manipulator I became aware of Apollo's tactics quite early on. I'm not going to go into them, but needless to say I couldn't get out of going to dinner. I even predicted the manipulation to Apollo. You can't fox a fox as they say. What this then did was put me in violation of all my sacred laws.

2 was broken. 'We' is more important than 'I'.
3 although not broken had been played in the open (which violates the rules of manipulation).
4 withered. These friends at the dinner party were from Cape Town and would only be here for the night. How could I refuse with the 'We' and denying Apollo a visit with his good friends? (I shall revisit this later).
5 Although both of us deny that a scoring system is in place, it is so easy to fall into it. 'I' went to 'your' dinner so now 'you' will come to 'my' opera... This is dangerous. If just one point is dropped on either side, resentment can build.

So this takes me back to item 1.

Changing another person. I warned yesterday that if I did go to the dinner. If I allowed points 2,3,4, and 5 to slip it would set a precident. One which said: These rules can be broken with no consequence. I was wrong. The consequence is that I'm now blogging about these 'rules' that have been broken. What does it mean?

I like my rules, because they give me flexibility, and they also give me grounds for behaviour. I don't have a religious book to work from, and science doesn't touch the 'squishy human shit' emotional stuff. So I have no guides except for what I feel is right. But if what I feel is right, seems to fly in the face of everyone else (I've observed most couples don't observe my rules, except occationally or begrudgingly), should I attempt to change?

But change what? If my fundamental building blocks are wrong, should I now seek to change them? And if I do, do I replace them with something else? Some kind of co-dependence? Have I just discovered one of the deeper results of my parents divorce? A fundamental detachment of self from the 'we' syndrome? Am I avoiding becoming a 'we' because I'm afraid of what will happen if the 'we' collapses?

I cannot believe that.

If intrisically I feel that it's right for me to shag or be shagged by men which is as far as I'm concerned the most 'me' centered I get (ie. untainted by society norms/religions requirements/sexual stereotypes), then surely that feeling - that 'knowing' must serve as a base from which to judge my other feelings and convictions? After all, it's all I've got to go on, and all that I fundamentally know to be true (for a given value of true). So where does that leave me?

Believing that my 5 tenants are right. To do otherwise would be hypocritical. I might as well roll over and say that 'gay' was a phase of rebellion, and now I'll conform again with what the rest of the planet wants. Now if I believe my 5 tenants I have to rely on them being right. But what if they're wrong? And this I feel is the existential question: I think there for I am, but what if I what I think is wrong?

How can you challenge what you hold to be right? Careful exploration of those ideals perhaps. But I can't compare them with others because that's like asking me to compare my version of vermillion with someone elses (that's a shade of colour by the way). A million people can say to me - you must embrace the 'we'. If I don't understand it's point or how to do that because I don't feel it's real then how can I embrace it? But then I have pause for thought (which admittedly doesn't happen all the time) if I don't have a 'we' mentality, what do I have? An 'I' mentality? Is there no other middle-ground? An 'us' perhaps? I don't believe in an 'us' either. It's too restrictive. 'I' can't move forward because I'm waiting for 'us' to all be ready. God shackle me to a post an beat me, how frustrating.

But I think the real spike that got this whole thing spinning through my head was my flatmates comment: One of the things that grates him is how I change plans so quickly (and don't tell others [that was the subtext I took from the statement] and how that really frustrates planners [ie. the flatmate]). But I've always considered myself to be a planner. I like plans. But then again, I like plans that suite me. A plan that doesn't work for my own amusement or that is't a requirement for the planet to continue spinning (like work) don't hold much importantce. That is whole can of worms on it's own.

So how to solve my dilemma? Am I and 'I' person because I don't want to be a 'we' person in case the 'we' becomes an 'I' and I get hurt? Or am 'I' an 'I' person because that's how I'm wired (like my great aunt who is an 'I' person). And if I'm an 'I' person does that mean that my quest for a partner is now that much more difficult? Do I now have to say to the present Apollo that his 'we' and my 'I' don't see eye to eye? Or do I look for a complex synthesis of the two ideals? Except one in my opinion isn't an ideal but a prison?

This is all so complex. I then look at the words that I use in this blog, and since I don't edit what I write (as evidenced by the spelling/grammer/sentences) I see words like prison, and intrinstic, and cannot, and rules... These are very negative words. And here we all thought that I was nearing the end of my blogging as I was content. Ha!

I can almost feel myself dissociating with the conflicting emotions so that I can conduct this 'study' of human social interactions, but I know I must fight that. I must experience these feelings, hold on to them. Even that though, has a certain... detatchment for me. As an actor might 'get into character'. I often wonder if perhaps I am an an individualist embodied? Or do all artists suffer this? This desire to be creative because one can control that (an illusion if you've ever tried controlling how you draw) unlike a relationship which is bi-directional and not so controlable. Is this the torture that an artist goes through? Wanting a partner, but not wanting a partner's requirements (which are valid by the way)?

How do you handle your relationships? What are the rules? If any? Where does your guidance of self resign itself to the collective. Why do you want a partner and not just close friends? Are you a 'we' or an 'I'? And do you believe it?

The Bitch in me...

So I wrote an email to a client this morning. When my boss - who reads all my out-going mail to ensure I don't cause international collapse - read it, he laughed. He wondered how it was that I hadn't been arrested or sued or murdered or given an award for being the most bitchy, snarky, biting letter writer of all time. He opted - wisely - to rewrite my email, so that the essence was still there, but the venom, bile, and hatred was not.

This has given me pause for thought. That and the fact that the general consensus of my last blog was that it was... well ... very mundane! Me? Mundane! I rebel at the thought! But I've been working so hard, mundane seems all I'm capable of after hours. Which seem to get longer as the weeks get shorter and the deadlines closer. Hell even my fencing instructor (a lovely Russian woman, made even more lovely with a sharp metal sword in her iron-like fist [who is I'm sure ex-KGB hiding out here but with a sword who's going to question her right?]) said:

"Your ankle! Its too looze. Titten up, ste'ab mi wid sord. Don't... neargh!" (At that word she sort of did a swan dive, if the swan was epileptic, having a fit, and had only one wing (and was possibly giving birth to an emu) attempting to emulate what I'd just done). Subsequent to me nearly breaking my legs as I tried to lunge with straight tight angles (not looze ones) I discovered Russian doesn't seem to differentiate ankles from wrists. Lunging with tight wrists makes sense. Ankles not so much. So even my instruktor feels I'm a bit limp after hours. I think... although she may just feel that I am a neargher and destined to impale myself upon my male opponents sword. Oh how I love the English language when coupled with my sexual preferences! Wasn't that so nicely set up? Well I thought so.

So the KGB and my readers feel I'm a bit limp in the blog... (snigger). Luckily my boyfriend doesn't think the same (cough, cough). Actually I had a wonderful experience with him just this evening. He popped around en route to some function or other and fell asleep on my lap - ah now before anyone thinks it: yes it's an expansive lap and several moderate sized individuals could in fact fall asleep on it, and possibly open a small pub with outside cafe and parking there. Anyway, so Apollo falls asleep on my lap and I feel, physically feel, him go limp. And no I was not holding his dick in my hand/mouth/other body part, I mean he relaxed. He let go and just dozed off. I felt very... humbled by it. Another human trusts me enough to fall asleep in my lap.

But I digress. OK so fine. This blog is in actual fact an attempt to regain popularity with the masses as a foul, disgusting journey into the pit of homosexual debauchery. But well perhaps within that dark den of degeneracy there are occasional moments where the leather clad sex warriors stop licking, sucking, and spanking one another, and just put the kettle on for a cupper whilst they wait for the lube to drain. I don't know. To be honest now that Apollo is insinuating himself into my everyday world, those huge concerns that used to plague me are ebbing a little. My concerns now are: did I put on that expensive scent he bought me? Are my teeth straight? How accessible is my fly...

In all honesty financially I'm a little worried. Things are all ticky boo elsewhere. Just there - AS USUAL. Apart from that I'm actually getting to a place where I can honestly say I am thoroughly enjoying this planet and all it has to offer. I want to experience more but I'm happy where I am right now. Is that such a bad thing? I'm learning to just live in the moment. Who knew I needed someone else to be there with me to find a place where I'm happy with me?

And so I look back to those various couples I've questioned, those romantic 'dullards' and I realize I'm the one who's a dullard. Achieving a place of existence without fret, without personal introspection to the Nth degree is in fact a great place. So long as there is still some form of personal accounting and questioning because I think that's always important. Apollo has got me to relax about who I am, to 'let out the crazy' one bit at a time, and realize - hey wanting to sleep with a Stormtrooper isn't so crazy...

I don't want to say it, but this is an open blog: What happens if Apollo and I break up? Will all this 'in the moment' shit shrivel and die? Will those letters I write get worse? Will I tear down the walls of nicety and simply sublimate myself into the inner darkness which boils inside me? Should I become like Batman, only to be called Fatman, and beat up bad guys with snarky, biting comments? (Sadly the post was taken by Barry Ronge some years ago, and in girth and pure venom I don't even come close.)

I don't know, and I don't want to know. I'm a 'in the moment' gay guy, at the moment. I won't piss on my own parade... unless the parade likes it, and they're hot, sexy, deviants in leather with a penchant for a quick cupper every once in a while...

Boyfriends, friends, boys, and Me

It's been a few days since my last post. And to be honest I'm not sure what exactly I wanted to say. Although it must be something, otherwise why am I here right? It could be one of a few things, so I'll work through them and see what takes my fancy.

Boyfriend - going well, I think. I know he's a little put out that I work so many hours, and so often on weekends. It's something that we'll either have to deal with, or something that will ultimately break the relationship. I can't and won't reduce my hours, and at the same time I can't expect him to be in a relationship with a 'forever never here' partner. For now things are going OK. Lets wait and see. I remain optimistic. Otherwise I think we're great. Really enjoy spending time with him, and being around him, and feel that he feels the same way.

Oh and I tried weed with him for the first time in my life the other day. I have to say: WHAT A LET DOWN. After years and years of living in Durban and hearing how most of the population smokes it at least infrequently and how great it is, all I found was that it made me horny ( luckily boyfriend was around) and then incredibly lethargic. I smoked some the other morning, and found that I could sing more freely in the car ( throat didn't hurt as much) but other than that... nothing. Now apparently the particular type he uses is called Cob and is supposed to be mild.

OK, so that's boyfriend, and drugs. What else?

Fencing? Oh Fencing is fun. I do find though that I don't like th idea of being alone. I prefer being part of a team. I find working solo a bit too... well a bit too solo. I like collaborating with others. Maybe it's so that I can shift the blame? I don't think so though. I like the team aspect, the working together, the thinking up of ideas together, the adaption of plans and so forth. So I don't think it's that. So I'm stopping after next week.

But fear not, because now that Leon is living with me up in JHB, we go to the gym regular...ishly. Running, jogging, stepping, cycling... it goes on and on. So health is getting better I think. Also the blood-pressure pills seem to be working a treat. Heart much more stable. In a couple weeks time I have to go back for the doctor to check on how things are going. I suspect they are going well.

Work? Work is nuts. I'm running with so many projects all at once I don't know if I'm coming or going. So I've decided to work on one project at a time. Even if it's all at the SAME time. Writing musicals, kids shows, documentaries, and corporates. Work has never been so good. It really feels like I'm moving in the right direction career wise.

Family? Well all good as far as I know. We all have our own lives to lead, and we're all doing it furiously.

Gosh, this is boring. I'm bored. A recap of my past couple of weeks. Sorry to have wasted your time. Although sometimes it's good to put things down, keep a check on things, and make an account of your existence. How's yours going?

Some cats like fish... some cats don't.

So I asked Apollo - Boyfriends name for blog purposes - why was it that he preferred to ... oh wait:

WARNING SEXUAL REFERENCES AND QUESTIONS

Now that that is out of the way, so I asked him why he liked to put his penis in a bottom and not into a vagina, (there that wasn't so bad was it?) and he had no answer. As I suspect most of you don't. Why do you find the shape of someones knees appealing? Or the fall of their breasts? The bridge of the nose turns you on? Maybe it's the smell? Perhaps it's the sound they make when they bend over. I don't know. What I do know is this: The answer to that question will, in my humble opinion, solve the entire worlds problems.

It will. I swear. And yes this blog is now a rambling where I prove my theory to begin with and then disprove it to myself later in a self indulgent exploration of my inner mess. Deal with it. Or don't. Whatever. OK so back to penis and bottom references.

Picture it: Howick 1994. A young 13 year old boy sees another boy and just wants to be accepted by him...no. We need to go back further. Durban 1845. An ox wagon slowly... wait too far. Try this: Camperdown 1987, a really young 6 year old sees a blonde haired boy, 8 years old. For some reason he really, really, wants to be liked by this blonde boy. The boy stands out. All that memory preserves is of images of his smile, his angular face, his bright blonde hair, and a desire to make him smile and approve of me.

Oh, shit. We can roll back even earlier to 1986. But I'm not sure that's relevant. Forgive me. I continue: One could argue that it is the inherent impulse of all humans to want to be given approval and acceptance by their peers. What makes some though stand out as being the 'main okes'? What is is that made me so desperate to impress this blonde haired fellow? Once he allowed me to play Rounders on his side. I was so proud. Knowing me I probably dropped the ball at a crucial moment. Anyway. After him came my best friend. That was later in 1991.

I wanted him to like me. I liked him. But with him, I wanted to see his penis. I still distinctly remember trying to get him naked by going for walks down to a local dam and getting so covered in mud that taking clothes off seemed normal. I got him down to his briefs once, but he wouldn't go further. That was 1992. After that I was obsessed with seeing penises. Anyones, but his in particular. In 1994 my focus was added to by the inclusion of a few more friends. Of my bunch of friends though, only some of them I harboured secret desires. Through the closeness of our friendships though, I can speak with alacrity here as none of this should come as a surprise to them.

Why though of my friends did I want to get naked with some, not with others? And why did I want to get naked with them in the first place? I discovered masturbation quite by chance in the bath one day. Then, like all boys, I couldn't get enough of it. But I wanted to do it with specific others. Why those others? What set them apart? Now I look at my relationship with my boyfriend. What is it that will turn this relationship into something I can say: I love you?

He has things that really attract me to him. I want to, and do...hehehehe... get naked with him. He has some of things that I am attracted to, he has some things I'm not attracted to. When he is near my I just want to hold him and be held by him. When he's away, I get pangs to be near him, but I sometimes get moments when I just want to be alone. Is this normal? If I understood what makes me like one thing, and not another I would be solved. I could quantify (and yes again I realize how this sounds, android alert) points and then make a rational decision.

If all humans understood the underlying wants, needs, desires we would be a much better place wouldn't we? So the boyfriend did actually have an answer. I lied. However his answer was at once solved my question and frustrated me even more: Some cats like tuna, and some don't. Some enjoy dry food, others don't. This is frustrating because it means on some level the wiring in our brains fix upon certain things before we are able to do anything about it.

And these become ingrained. Sure some can be changed but others seem locked down. If some cats don't eat tuna, it can't be because once their older brother hit them with a wet fish, and so psychologically they can't go near fish. It just means the poor bugger got it into his head that he just don't like fish. So I'm fucked. Thankfully. Sorry.. cough cough (did I mention Apollo and I really enjoy sex with one another? Eight times in one weekend, that's all I'm saying) .

I am stuck in a proverbial: BECAUSE IT SAYS SO ON THE BOX YOU DICK, DEAL WITH IT situation. That means I have to rely on those stupid emotional things. But they can get confused so easily. I have to hold back what my tongue says out of fear that it's just an emotional thing based on hormones pumping through my system. Isn't that all rather clumsy and chaotic? I mean how are we as humans supposed to function as a society if we're all holding back our true inner 'emotionals' for fear that our own hormones are simply trying to get themselves reproduced as offspring for the next generation? It's all a bit sloppy if you ask me.

So have you asked yourself recently: Why do you like someone? Or why do you like the bottom or the knee or the elbow, or in my case the side occipital orbit? (Flat piece above the eye, leading from the eyebrow to the ear)? I'm afraid the answer is simple: Because you do. Crap. So my whole blog is that when it comes to some things we just have to trust that 'we do because we are'. God we're doomed as a species. Start again I say!

The Boyfriend blog...

So I have a boyfriend. Gosh. Those of you who've followed my blogs may note with some joy (I would hope) that this is an amazing place for me to be in. I've moved from a socio-path wannabe to someone who has taken arguably the first step into a deeper relationship then mere friendship. So what should I say in this blog? Hoorah! It's happened and now my blog is over? Me thinkest not, and I should hope (lots of hope in this blog eh?) that you dear reader would agree.

The other day whilst having a great Christmas lunch with some friends one of them commented how he felt sorry that I wrote my blog. Not because I wrote so badly mind you, but because I seemed so confused and lost in the world. I question/ed everything. I seem to be uncertain of anything and always frantically, and enthusiastically trying to answer a very diverse range of topics that all center around my life. He went on to say that his life was sorted. He'd either answered or grown bored of trying to answer the major questions in his universe and was content. He felt sorry for me, and I felt sorry for him.

Yes his life is sorted in that very human way: Wife, house, car, dogs, and kids on the way. He has reached his career goal, and now is just saving up to finish off his life in comfort. I know I'm over-simplifying his world, and that I'm sure raising kids is perhaps the greatest science experiment of them all, but surely that can't just be it? I mean to reproduce is - and with India's population as an example - painfully easy. To raise good, decent kids, is tricky but with enough electro-shock therapy , do-able. But to stop thinking about life's little mysteries and why the sky is blue (don't care so don't share) is to me to give up on potentially finding more wonder in the universe.

I'm not religious by any stretch, but the more I learn about how bizarre and wonderful the human brain is, the more I want to experience. I don't want to be stuck in a reproductive dead-end (if you'll excuse the oxymoron). Once kids arrive the time for wonder about the simple things in life (and the simpler they are the more complex the answers it seems) ends, and the time of screaming and laughing and growing begins. Does one have time to think about why a certain perfume makes us feel horney whilst another leaves us thinking of mothers day?

Or perhaps I spend my timing thinking about these things to avoid thinking about other things? Is me, thinking about my thoughts, a waste in it's own right? I think I think there for I am I think? Why is my friend so sure that what he thinks is fine, whilst I challenge what I think all the time? Is he so happy with who he is and his place in the world that he doesn't need to think about it? Am I so unhappy in my place that I want to change it so much I have to constantly think about ways of doing that?

My answer to that is no. The other day I was sitting in a burger place eating a huge burger with my boyfriend (ha you wondered when I'd get around to actually talking about him). I'm a million miles away from all my close friends, it's raining, it's a Sunday afternoon, and I haven't slept much (I spent the night at his house, in his bed). I'm stiff (sex eight times in 16 hours or so), and the burger and beer is making me feel a little sick. I'm looking at this magnificent plain tree light against another black Jozi sky. And I felt for one brief moment that I was happy. I didn't know what I was feeling for a while. It was completeness. For a brief time the world vanished. I felt his warm hands in mine, and knew that I'd achieved something special.

I was pulled out of it a moment later but to me that must be what my friend feels. His world is complete. But does it last? Or will his world collapse when he's 50 and he runs off to prove that he's still got it? Because he didn't question himself, he just gave up when bliss arrived? The alternative is that bliss arrived because he stopped thinking and just lived it. So is too much thinking a bad thing?

In previous blogs I've written about not allowing oneself to talk oneself out of doing things just because one could. Well I still agree with this statement. But now I need to add to it:

Don't not do something because you think it won't work.

Sometimes you must resist doing anything to let it work.

Gosh what bad English. Even I'm not sure that's what I mean. But it's what I feel. I'm not going to think this one. I'm going to let my Boyfriend be. I'm going to be me. I'm going to go with the flow and see where we end up. I'm not going to blinker myself and deny what's happening, but I'm also not going to think and think and think about what to do and what not to do. I'm going to do what I feel I should do at the time. No holds barred.

I hope this works cause otherwise I'll look like a twit. So here's the thing: Do you do what you do because you think you should do it? Or because you didn't think you should do it, you FELT you should do it? I've never gone with the 'feeling' to do something. This will be a new experience for me...

Just a game...a new level of incompetence

Wow, two blogs in almost as many days. Well the first one was a serious one with serious implications which my wonderful friends have all taken the time to comment on, and comment on beautifully as usual. So now I want to turn to something a little less serious, for all it's seriousnessnessness... ness.

I play a game called Dungeons and Dragons. I've blogged about my frustrations with my players in Durban, and now I'm going to blog about it again, here in Johannesburg. Here is a game that I love playing because it's an interactive story telling exercise, and wonderful couple of hours of pretending to be in another world.

And yet I keep finding myself at odds with people I normally wouldn't be at odds with. In Durban it was players who used the rules to control my game. Up here it's players demanding that I read the rules so that I can control my game. Rules, rules, rules. And why don't I read the rules I hear you ask? Why not just pick up the 1000's of pages of rules and commit them to memory? Well... there are 100's of pages to start with. I've got the core mechanics down, but all the little extra bits...

Why is it that I don't care about the rules in this game, and yet others are so obsessed by them? To me, if something is dramatic then that is great. Forget if rule X says that I must multiply 3.4 by the number of orcs to get some kind of ratio to work out how much gold its got. But it leads me to ponder: Why don't I want to read the rules? The more these poor players demand that I read them, the less inclined I am. The more they complain about me not knowing the rules, the more I refuse to know the rules.

Why? It's got to the point now where things that were leant out in friendship are being returned, money owed repaid, and all ties of friendship seem to be breaking apart. For me this means fairly little. I'm old enough to know who my true friends are, and cynical enough to not care about new ones that don't last because there are always more. It's sad because these particular 'mates' I really felt I could be friends with outside of 'the game'. But that doesn't answer the question as to why this simple little thing - the rules of a make-believe game - can be so important to people.

And more importantly why I am so flatly refusing to learn them. I was trying to think about it this morning, and then again after squash this evening and the only thing I can think of is that I'm afraid that even after I learn all the rules I still won't make a good game master. Perhaps I am using the rules as a defense? I'm not very good because I don't know the rules... not I'm not very good because I'm just not very good. Know your level of incompetence a cameraman once told me.

He feels that everyone has levels of incompetence - the point you reach when you are no longer competent or capable at a given task. Is my level of of incompetence so low with regards to this game that I am ashamed of it? Is my level of incompetence as a story-teller low? Am I a bad storyteller? I cannot believe so, although I was told by someone that I am a better actor than a director or writer... was that a compliment to my acting, or a serious dig at me as a storyteller?

Perhaps I am? Perhaps I am not a very good storyteller, but a better performer? Is this a bad thing? Should this stop me from trying to be a good storyteller? Should I look at my career and move from behind the camera to in front of it? John Candy made a fortune as the fat man in all his films. So perhaps I should. But at what point does one stop trying to reach ones dreams and go in a different direction?

Do I dream of getting an Oscar for playing a mental wheelchair-bound apartheid victim? No, but I do enjoy playing the various roles in dungeons and dragons. Putting on an act. Showing off my many accents, and breathing life into my characters. God is that it? Is that really it? Am I a Quinton Tarantino? A wannabe actor who needs to write his own material in order to get into a film?

I'm not convinced of it as a totality. I want to write my various documentaries and films because I feel they are an amazing subject that deserve to be told and recorded. But perhaps I should look at moving into the other side of the screen. I do enjoy the sound of my own voice, I must admit. I like the way it sounds, how it modulates, and can, at a thought shift and convey a totally 'different' me. It's one of the few things about myself that I can actually say: Fuck, I'm good at that. Hmmm....

This is an interesting place I find myself in. Secretly I get a rush out of people being entertained by me. I think I've even blogged about it before, but perhaps that is really where I want to be? Or is it simply an easier route? I think it is immeasurably easier to act than to write/direct/edit a film. Am I just trying to bow out? Again I don't think so. Have I been using my D&D groups all these years as captive audiences to my performance? No wonder they - most of them - got tired and frustrated. The Actor does not need to know the rules! The Actor must simply Act. Everyone else must just watch. That may be painting too heavy a portrait of my game, but I think it paints a fairly complete one.

So now that I need to question my career and start to look at moving outside of my world, I ask you reader - are you following your true calling or are you simply playing to a different captive audience? Begs a thought doesn't it?