Break-ups, hook-ups, and the rules of dating..according to me.

So my fledgling relationship just crashed and burned in a truly cold and clinical way - as per my usual intellectually sociopathic realistic approach to life. I am at the moment hollow. Don't know how to take it really. But I wanted to commit my thoughts on WHY it ended because I think it ended correctly, as much as I hate that it's over. Personally wise we were a good match. We understand one another's humour, and got the little in-jokes. Life was good.

And then real-world issues began to creep in. And these issues were of no one's making. Merely facts of life. I have come to realize that at least 80% of my time is spend on another planet. Whether it's on a starship, slaying dragons, or fighting my friends on the Deathstar I am a Grade A nerd/geek-a-saurus. If you can't handle hearing about how cool the event was of seeing Praxis already exploded in the latest Star Trek film, then you don't begin to measure up to my level of geekness. If your idea of a good card-game is 52 cards of 4 suites, then you're in the beginners box at a 'low level' card game that I play. My grandmother used to say I should learn bridge. It was a real game. I did. It isn't. It's slow, boring, and not really that difficult. I was politely told at the bridge club by someone who'd been playing bridge for 5 decades, that she'd never come across someone who played bridge so aggressively. Ha! She'd never been attached an an elvish weenie deck on a Tuesday!

Anyway, my friends - whom I love - are all geeks/nerds or a combination there of. I am happy to say that the majority of people who allow me into their lives are all total loons, and not a single one of them is close to normal. But this world that I live in, for all it's neurotic fantasy, is a very difficult one to break into. In fact, unless you've been at it since the Return of the Jedi, you're not likely to get it.

Now the flip side of the chaos that is my existence is that 'normal' human social life. Get together, talk shit, watch a movie, have a social braai, drink, talk more shit, maybe go clubbing, dance, talk shit, drink, go home, and call it an awesome time. I have one question for them: Who won and did he take a head as a trophy? The answer invariably is no - don't be silly. But this is a world that many people crave, and the majority seem to live in.

So when the boyfriend and I began to explore one another socially (and yes I mean that plutonically you sick puppies) our worlds collided. Visiting art galleries, food markets, and being social with friends. Which whilst diverting in their novelty contained no threat of simulated violence, not an iota of Ork cooking, and the only Romulan I saw the entire time was a transvestite buying stupid chairs. So when boyfriend was introduced to my group, he was immediately thrown into the position of being King Kong and having to take over Tokyo. This is considered beginners fare in my world.

Needless to say both of us were demanding repeats of those nights... or not so much. So I ended the relationship but asked for the friendship to continue. Was this just me looking for an 'easy' out? Not at all. I really like the guy, and really enjoyed our social time together (The sex was good too but being downgraded from boyfriend to fuck buddy is somehow worse than boyfriend to just friend isn't it?). I enjoyed chilling and talking shit about our worlds and our lives and our jobs. But I cannot and could not see how in a relationship it could possibly work. The Geek and the Cool may be friends but never raise a family.

And this idea stems from my reasoning that my boyfriend, my partner, my life partner, should be my Best Friend as well. Am I so shallow that I cannot see anyone who isn't on the same geek level as not Best Friend material? I have had many days to sit in bed after my surgery and ponder why I need my best friend to have similar interests to me. The simple reason is I don't really find people who do not share my interests... interesting. Diverting, charming, quaint, and distracting may be words I use, but those do not describe a best friend.

I want an equal. I want a titan from the geek world. If this is too much to ask, then so be, I shall be single all my days and die alone... well not alone because I want my death to be turned into a reality TV show, but that's not the point. Why should I settle for a compromise of interests. And don't give me the lecture on 'finding hobbies you can both grow and learn in'. Fuck that shit, I have fifty hobbies already, and I don't do hobbing halfheartedly.  I'm all in or all out. You know me. Besides I already have a hobby in the majority of the sci-fi and fantasy markets, I don't see what's left...

Anyway I wanted to list a few dating rules that I will now be following to the letter:

Date 1 - Informal meeting. Questions to be asked - General geek knowledge. (and wanna go back to my place... hur hur hur)
Date 2 - Informal meeting. Questions to be asked - Specific geek knowledge.
Date 3 - Meeting. Meyers-Briggs test and 5 love languages test to be completed and returned next day.
Date 4 - Meeting. Results returned and compared. Specific geek knowledge tested for spot learning
Date 5 - Meeting. Boardgames and gaming with social group.
Date 6 - Meeting of his friends. If these are not socially awkward individuals with unique hair styles and approaches to clothing use, terminate meetings immediately.
Date 7 - If everything has gone according to plan, all tests passed, then marriage.

I don't think these are bad rules. We did a similar thing in high-school and it worked wonderfully. Admittedly it was designed to keep people OUT of our group, but it worked. All I know is that life continues, and the questions are:

1 - What do you want out of a relationship?
2 - What do you NEED out of a relationship?
3 - What do you want out of life?

Now as the difference of Want and Need - I want a boyfriend who is a sci-fi geek genius. I need a boyfriend who will sometimes tell me no, who will curb my spending, and who will bring me down to earth from time to time. But maybe that's also a want, and what I need I won't know until I die and can read the script plan of my life.

The point is for thems that are in a relationship I hope your partner is your bestest friend, and thems that isn't, it occurs to me that my simple 7 step guide or should I say guyde? might help make life decidedly easier.

Happiness

So I am currently on cloud nine. Life is awesome people. I have been very intent on leaving the country for some time and battle plans were in the process of being drawn up. The realities of South Africa were dark. Politics, stupidity, and the human fuck-up factor were rated very, very high. But then I learned that I would be debt free in July. Like 100%. I will own a car. I will have lots of cash at the end of each month to build into something. If I leave and head to another country what would I gain? I would be full of debt again. In a strange place, and without the support of my wonderful friends, and albeit distant family. I would be alone. Would the opportunities be better? Perhaps. I'd find a job where I could flourish and learn and grow.

But then I thought - I have a job where I am the top creative. Everyone asks me what I think. I am beholden to my bosses who are in a very real sense very kind to me. And indulge me but give me limits. I am free to explore ideas outside the normal realm of any other job I've ever had. I am financially free. I am surrounded by the most awesome people. My friends put up with my oddism's like champions, and at times encourage me!

I have a great place to live, great people to share my space with, a supportive and not too intrusive job that I love doing, and in all fairness a great country to live in. Why the fuck would I want to leave? So really this is just a post to say - hey everyone one of you! I love you all, thank you all, and I hope that you too are in a place of happiness!

And yes, this blog is subject to instant change if I hear another word about municipalities not making audits, eskom, SAA, JZ, or - AHHH FUCK. Thank you. Thank you very much. That's it. I'm leaving. North Korea, here I come.

2 Weeks in and still thinking...

Well it's been two weeks since I started the 'Don't Think, Just Act' campaign inside my brain. It's rather interesting when applied to work as well as to self. In two weeks if I have spent 4 hours total playing computer games it is a lot. On the other hand I have spent 11 hours in a gym. I have also been far more productive than ever before.

I find it interesting that as long as I don't think about going to gym (plus the boredom, the pain, the lingering aches) I can go easily. And once at gym there are certain machines that I hate. I literally feel that I am not gaining anything from them at all. I avoid them. I do the machines that make me feel like I am working. Rowing for example is my new favorite toy.

I discovered my love of Squash through a friend, and although I still rate it as an awesome way to work through tension, frustration, and to get the heart rate up, Rowing has - for me - tangible feedback. The rowing machines are in front of the pool (at the gym where I work) and if I close my eyes I can feel the splashes of water, smell the water, and because of the machine almost feel my little boat skimming over the water. It's almost surreal. At the moment I can row 2 kilometers in just under 10 minutes. I did 3 kilometers in 14:40 the other day so I am doing something right.

I have also noticed that although the old Ballenden (my grandmothers genetic pool) genes run strong and my stubborn streak rears it's head, I'm far more open to other peoples ideas. I doubt anyone who knows me will agree, but those who know me very well will notice.

I saw, and was encouraged by the number of other people who have taken up gyming or at least a healthier existence at the same time as me. Whether this is due to the blog or the facebook or a NY's resolution I don't know but I would be interested to hear how it is going on their side. What their motivation is.

Mine is bizarrely strong. Not because the weight is literally falling off but because I can do it. It's not impossible. I think the really tough times are approaching though as for 2 or 3 or maybe 4 weeks the brain can be quick strong, but the equal impulse of strength can also cause the house of cards to collapse very quickly. But being aware of this neurological weakness I am prepared... I hope.

A friend of mine commented that Free Will is an illusion. I agree - to a degree. Whilst humans cannot willingly choose certain things under normal circumstances, the illusion that a choice exists is very important. It is what drives us. Without it, chaos and anarchy would surely follow. And so - whilst I am healthy and of sound mind, I can believe that my invented freewill can override my natural propensity for sloth.

And speaking of sloth, I don't think I can name many friends who are 'slothful'. Good on you all! And uncharacteristically perhaps I am not going to end with a challenge or a question but simply: A meaningful and heartfelt thank you to all my friends. My Jozi friends leapt with open arms at my healthy approach, and my Durban friends have been and always were supportive of any health choices I made. And of course my Howick buddies I love you guys.

Have a great Sunday - now get out there and be active!

Stop thinking...

It has taken me almost 5 years of blog writing to get the point of this blog. And I think I now finally have it. It's thanks to friends being persistent about one thing: I think too much. One of my best friends has been saying it for a decade. I know and love those of you who are thinking: Wait - he thinks? Really? Would never have guessed. Well yes. Ha ha.

Now stopping thinking isn't obviously an answer, as humans we have to think. We have to make plans. And we have to have exit strategies. We also need to understand the world around and so we need to observe and interpret. Good. What we don't need to do though is talk to ourselves about thoughts that are neither constructive nor useful. Huh? What I am talking about is something I've been talking about for a long long time, and have occasionally hinted at here and there. But I've never put it together. Like the man who invented microwaves but never built a microwave oven, I've had the idea called the Dancing Men and the Circle Theory since I was in my early 20's.

Quickly - the dancing men are thoughts you have that distract you from your original idea. "I really need to focus - but tomorrow. Today I can relax, there is plenty of time." That's a good example of a dancing man. They don't say no, they just delay and put off. The Circle theory is a dark place and all of us have been there - it's the cyclic logic of I should, but I can't because then this will happen, and then that will happen, and then I will lose that... it's not worth it. You talk yourself around in circles on a big decision (or a small one) and never end up doing it.

OK so now what? I have had these ideas for years. The solution of course is to listen to the dancing men, look at the circle, and then decide if their excuses and objections are real. If they are not, if they're mere projections of future or other totally non-determinable actions on behalf of another human being, then they should be ignored. At least that was the old idea. Well I think it's still true. But that doesn't mean there is a solution...merely a resolution.

In order to really achieve something one not only has to overcome ones inner thoughts, one has to continue to overcome those thoughts as time goes by. And base line - one has to act. To actually do something. And continue to do it. Ignoring all the thoughts that fly through the head. In other words, go back to the old saying of: Just get on with it.

I am going back to gym. Stop laughing, or grinning with that 'all knowing smile'. Several of my friends have asked me - but what's different from the multitude of times you have tried before? My intent. Instead of going because I want to be healthy, or because I want to look like a greek god... and not Dionysus as I presently do...  Those are empty desires. I don't really care about my health insofar as as long as I am breathing today I am good. And I don't need to look like any other god except Dionysus as I get action all the time... So those wonderful little thoughts and dancing men and circle theories can play havoc on my hyperactive mind.

My aim this time is to prove that I am the master of my own thoughts. I am impulsive. You all know that. I do things on the spur, buy things, engage in things - that I'm very fond of. Others I am sluggish and slow. Why? Because my mind is free to act as it so chooses, using my excitable emotions as a justification. There is very little Guy thought of this and then acted accordingly and with self control. It's mainly - Shiny! Must have or I die. Isn't that incredibly weak?

But it is more than just impulse control. It is also anti-impulse control. What is the opposite of impulse? Planned? Except in this case it isn't planned either. It's the ability to know what should be done, but not do it because it's easier not to. Lethargy. Not acting because it's easier to not act is now my nemesis. How dare my brain center around the concept of not acting is better than acting? I can see the evolutionary survival tactic - it motivates one to find easier ways of adapting (less energy expenditure). But as a human being with the capacity to realize that I have this natural trait to tend towards inactivity if I can I must therefore rebel against it!

So 2013 is all about proving that I am stronger than my genes. Mentally I shall not accept myself until I am the master of my thoughts. But how then do I avoid a dancing man syndrome that I know I suffer from: Out-thinking the problem and so forgetting about the problem and not solving it? By finally following the advice of my dear dear friends: I will stop thinking. About the little evolutionary things -

This is my new not-think default chain of thought:

It is easier to sit at home and play mindless PC games than do something active. True.
The gains in a PC game are minor problem solving logic development. True.
PC Games are a form of escapism which is essential from time to time. True.
Doing something active is beneficial to thought process, health, physique. True.
There are no physical reasons why spending time being active is dangerous. True
There is no reason to spend so much time behind a PC. True
There is no reason to not be active. True.
One can do both, just less of one and more of the other. True
Being active is boring. True.
1 hour of boredom a day is not worth a heart attack, stroke, or being out of breath. True
Being bored is an inability to entertains one own self. True
I should be capable of entertaining myself for a single hour. True

Everything here is true. There is not a single solitary reason that is false. Except:

I'm so buggered after that day of work I just want to go home and unwind and not do anything active. Why? You just said being active is boring, being bored is a great way to unwind isn't it?
I'm so tired I just want to sit and not do anything. Playing a PC game is doing something, watching TV is doing something. If you're mentally tired then being Physically active is better for you then sitting not being active.
I am physically tired. For what reason? Sitting in one spot all day? Get out there and shake it out. Or is it from being active and running around, being active? Yay! Goal achieved. Take a break - go for a swim.

No there is no reason I can come up with apart from weak-mindedness as to why one shouldn't go to gym and be active. Anything less is literally me failing in my ability to call myself an intelligent human. Please note that this does exclude things like addictions, psychological issues and trauma's etc. Those are different and should be handled with care. This is purely looking for excuses to not be active. Looking for thoughts that are negative, and totally unfounded.

So I have two missions for 2013. My new motto is By Will Alone. By will alone I shall start to think about things worth thinking about, and to stop thinking about things that must get done and just fucking do them. I am in charge of my own damned mind if nothing else. It will answer to me, or I am a failure and a little grey blob on a windscreen somewhere that is just a bag of useless impulses.

The other mission is also a test of Will. But that's for another blog.

As usual I have to ask you: Will you join me in beating yourself out of being lazy just because it is easier?