Great Aunt Babs - a life in history

My Great Aunt Babs died yesterday. The brief little farewell I gave her on facebook seemed somehow inappropriate. That a life could be summed up in a few lines especially one such as her's spanning 90+ years demands more I think. And yet I am at a loss on how to talk about her. She didn't like the idea of Great Aunt, I know that.

Of the few instances where I can recalled talking to her as human to human, and not as great nephew to great aunt passing the time, I have a wonderful recollection. It was a New Years day, 2009 I think, and we as a family were all at some lovely country lodge for a slap-up lunch. It was one of those wonderful days where time seems irrelevant and the heat is just enough to make the world seem cozy.

As we snacked on salmon paste covered crackers, after a great meal, we asked Babs what her secret was to life. With a sparkle in her eyes, and a soft smile on her paper white face, she carefully collected her thoughts, and in the most Britishly sedate way she politely unfolded her hands and her long-levity. "I never got married, and so didn't have a husband to have to worry about. With that came the advantage of not having children either. I was my own keeper, responsible for myself, and my actions alone. I did what I wanted, when I wanted." What went unspoken was very clear. She did what she wanted, and when she wanted, but always with the utmost respect for other humans, laws, and living a good, solid life.

To me she seemed incapable, no... she seemed not to have the need for deceit. Why lie when you have the truth at your back? And when you have seized the moral high-ground not because you feel imperiously entitled, but because it's the right ground to seize. I don't know if she knew I was gay or not. I suspect she would have nodded a bit, and then asked about whether or not I was happy. If the answer was yes, I suspect she'd have been pleased and content that the world was right.

She only admonished me once - for not having my driver's license in time for her to give me her old car. I believe that Babs had a very rigid approach to life, that the right thing had to be done, that the right way should always be chosen, and that no one should seek to do harm to another thing, because well... it just wasn't right damn it.

I can but hope that in some small way I measure up to this grand lady of the past. Her's was a world of World Wars, of political turmoil, and of rapid changes in technology. She was there when the world I take for granted was being forged. I regret not spending one more afternoon talking to her more. At the same time I wonder when I die, will someone think of me and call me a great old person, someone who helped to make the world a better place? Or will people simply turn the page, relieved that the words I have hammered into disjointed place will finally find some peace?

Babs would not have bothered for such things. Who cares who remembers you when you're dead. You're dead, and that's the only thing you should care about, I think would sum up her feelings on the matter. I can't say that I was emotionally close to her, but I think it wasn't that she wasn't emotional, I just think that her generation showed less, and felt more - if that seems right? I know that Babs has left a legacy within me, and within thousands of children, as she was a teacher at Rhodean school for many, many years.

I wonder, what would your obituary say?

Guy Sclanders 1980 - 2011

He lived a fat life full of financial fuck-ups and self indulgent hobbies. Of his friends he had dozens, though for them he seemed to love his work more than anything else. What little time he did spend socially was always occluded by lectatorial recitations of antiquated knowledge and useless facts. Of relationships he had precious few, and those that survived them were grateful for the escape. His death marks a lightening of the planet's total mass by a significant percent, and his remains, thought donated to science, will make excellent grade dog food.

Well perhaps I'm being a little harsh, I'm sure I'd make excellent grade cat food too.

What would yours read? And would anyone read it?

Anyway, farewell to thee Babs, I hope this little blog would please you, and apart from the crudity of the content, perhaps bring a smile to your wonderful old face.

Why can't some people choose...A or B or C or D or E

For as long as I can remember I've always just assumed that what I decide is the 'right' way to go. Oh certainly there have been BIG decisions that I have agonized over for a week or so, but typically no more than that. I get irritated when I can't make up my mind, and frequently turn to this blog to vent my uncertainty, and my frustrations with said ambivalence. But on the whole ask me for my opinion on something, virtually anything, and I'll give you a fairly quick answer.

For a large portion of my friends however this seems to be something of an impossible task. Asked whether to eat at one restaurant or another, it might takes them a dozen minutes to reach a choice. Me... 5 seconds, unless I'm trying to be diplomatic ie. let the ambivalent people have a voice (and invariably get annoyed that they can't make up their minds, or don't seem to want to, and make the choice anyway).

For a long time I've just assumed that for some reason people who don't like making choices don't like doing so because they are trying to appease those around them, and don't want to make the wrong choice. What made this line of reasoning worse for me, was that it was that apathetic approach which instead of appeasing irritated. I realize now it is nothing of the sort - ambivalence is a new psychological field and scientists have done some interesting work in working out some fairly straight-forward differences.

People who make choices quickly (me) feel a pressure to perform, to act. They don't know why - some say: oh because in the developmental stage when inaction resulted in a negative experience, action resulted in a positive, thus reinforcing quick action. I don't know if I buy that, it seems as if we place far to much emphasis on childhood developmental trauma. The inverse is true from those who cannot make a choice, or who feel the need to take things to a far greater level of understanding before choosing.

Now here is where the Human being gets wonderful. We are all proactive and reactive on different levels. The gods (and you dear reader) know that I agonize over certain decisions, typically emotional ones, whereas in terms of making a call when it comes to everyday life I call it at the drop of a hat. And I am sure that my friends who cannot make a call in social life, make them elsewhere... the bedroom perhaps? Or the kitchen. Or the computer game simulator.

And then you get the people who are balanced... don't you always? These fuckers are the ones who make the rest of look bad. Balance is apparently the goal of all humans, but I maintain, and will do so to my dieing breath, it is us, the Unbalanced, the bring life to the world. But I digress. The balanced are those who can take a moment or five, look at as much info as they can get, and then make a call based on fairly good reasoning.

I admire these people, although I have found that these people tend to be very circumspect, and very isolated. They don't seem to want others input. My guess (quick decision) would be that others opinions and answers are tainted or skewed. If so the balanced thinker is then unbalanced insofar as not wanting others thoughts in their heads. I am generalizing but well... generally I'm wrong in a right kind of way.

Is there a way to change how you think? Can the decision-makers learn to slow down, to think about things? Can the decision-avoiders learn to follow their gut more and make on the spot calls? Can the balanced-decisioners (new word) learn to trust others more?

I don't know. I often try to change myself. To see if I can, and to see if maybe I can become a better person. I have long tried, perhaps contritely, to be more amenable, to consider my decisions more, and to let others try to reach a decision before I give my own. I find it incredibly taxing. It is like having a blood-hound tied up next to a blood trail, and waiting for a cat to decide to follow the blood. I am sure that there are cats out there who hate the over-eager blood-hound who never seems to pause for a moment.

And when I have tried to force those who don't like to make decisions to make decisions I end up getting angry at their persistent refusal to do so. And the balanced guys are even worse as they finally reach a conclusion but don't explain their reasoning. They understand it, but bugger anyone else who's failed to apply the pro's and con's and reach the same goal.

Now flittering around the back of my mind is 'How do I make a call?' Where does my sense of imperative come from? Is it pure arrogance? Is it gut (lord knows I have enough of that) feeling? Is it a quick wit? To be honest, I think it is all of the above. Logically I can't see things very quickly, but I do get concepts, and assimilate information quickly. I like things to move forward to I can see the whole picture, but not to spend a long time looking at it. I feel there is a need for a decision. But why?

And what do the non-deciders feel? A desperate need to make sure all angles are thought of and covered before making a choice? But then a circle of indecision as all angles seem to demand a different answer? I think it boils down to two things:

1 - Self Defense

2 - Self Positioning

1 - Self Defense

Not what you might have been thinking, by self defense I mean, the acceptance of defending one's self decisions. If I choose A, I need to be able to, prepared to, and responsible for making that choice. I should have clear reasons for doing it, explainable reasons. I should be prepared to tell others why.

What prevents this from becoming a form of bully/arrogance is also being prepared to change one's choice, and not forcing it down others throats. I frequently have to admit that I'm wrong, but do I do with grace? Sadly I think not as often as I should. But I am open to alternatives provided they are equally well defended...

2 - Self Positioning

If one positions oneself within a group as a follower who provides useful services, but doesn't want to take charge of a situation, then, those who have positioned themselves in authority will take charge. And it will become very difficult for the roles to swap. Those in charge won't understand why those who previously submitted, now want to be in command, and similarly they won't want to relinquish control either (because they wanted to be in control in the first place).

So if you put yourself in the position of an acquiescent that is how others will treat you, which will entrench that position. Whereas if you place yourself as a decision-maker (I initially wrote Leader, and then deleted it because I felt decision-maker was less domineering and more accommodating... do I see decision-makers as leaders? And if so, does that mean that I covert leadership? If that is true, what makes being a leader so important? Why not be a follower? Where does that desire to be seen as 'in charge' come from? Is it that subconsciously I feel that I am not in charge and need to vilification of others to hide from it? And if that is true, why do I not feel like I am in charge? My decisions are my own. I run my life according to my choices... and yet perhaps those choices are more reactions and actions... wow. Blog part 2 methinks) you entrench that position.

I can imagine as we get old and inculcate those positions of dominance/submission we become more and more dominant/submissive. So the time to change is - as it always is - NOW.

What are you? In which spheres of life? Quick to decide? Or mired in a sea of indecision? Or balanced but isolated? And is it worth changing or should we just accept these states, acknowledge that the world needs all three types, and be happy that we're not those fucking arseholes who make all the decisions, or the wankers who sit and do fuck-all because well... they can't seem to make up their minds (how did they get dressed in the morning one wonders), or that we are not those cold calculating androids who have as much personality as used condom?

8 in 5...

So now I'm a freelancer. It's 20:27 and I've just 'called it a night'. I am working solid right up until some mates arrive for the weekend, and even then I may sneak in an hour or three when they're sleeping. I have never worked so hard and so furiously in all my life. And yet, tonight when I go to bed, I can sleep a little easier knowing that I've put in a good hard days work, and have really earned my money. Sure I still wake up wondering what the fuck I'm doing and just how I'm going to find the fifteen odd thousand a month I need to survive.

That's a lot of money! But at the same time it isn't. And yet it is. And this is possibly the one quandary I now find myself in. This is purely a mathematical one, but I find the figures are not balancing. In the past they would have, in fact in the past it wouldn't even have been a maths equation. I am of course referring to the dilemma of the 'low paying day rate'. I am billing myself out at the modest rate of R1800 per day. Maybe a little higher if I can see there is room for it, and maybe a little less if it's long term stuff. My lecturing is the cheapest I'll go which is half that after tax. But it's easy work, and I love lecturing.

So when I'm offered an opportunity to work on a computer game to develop material it would, in the past, have been an easy answer. I would have done it without thinking. Now however there are two big minuses to that one big plus of novelty/coolness/awesomenessness. The first minus is that the date rate is roughly what I earn at Damelin after tax. So once tax is deducted from that, it's even less. Again in the past, I wouldn't have thought for a moment about it. The second problem is that because the rate is so low, I can't be collaborative. Initially - to get the job I hired a second animator and we worked on the gig together. It was awesome, and the end result was much better than I could have done on my own.

Now couple that to the fact that should I land a job from someone else on a freelance basis, I get to charge my full rate (or more) the problem grows. How then am I to choose between agreeing to take a job that in four days of work, generates roughly what two days of normal work generate? Do I let it run purely on figures? Do I coldly turn down the work? Or do I soldier on, generating material and blindly praying for no jobs to come in? The old saying: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, is a constantly pecking at my head (for which I feel vaguely heterosexual with all this talk of birds and bushes...)

And this leads me to my next point: How much do you feel justifies your time? Working for myself my personal time is now totally at the mercy of 'the next job'. I don't mind the work, I actually enjoy it. It's a nice neat little puzzle that I can usually solve (unlike my forms of relaxation which is an interesting point). But at what point does one say: Hey my free time is worth XYZ and I'm not going to take a smaller job just so I can make money...

I wish humans came with different power levels so we could see: Happiness, Tenseness, neutralness, anger, boredom, frustration... This would be awesome and would solve a lot of problems. I wonder if we could genetically breed humans with little radioactive level indicators on their arms or something... Just imagine that old expression: read you like a book. OK so it would be: Read you like a nuclear power stations stats read out... but the point is there I think.

I will say this however, I have never felt more satisfied than I have working for myself. Truly setting up meetings, planning events, and then making them happen. And then - and this to me is the key - getting paid for it. Properly paid. None of this bullshit R90 and hour crap that full time offers. (Just wait until the end of the month this blog will be replaced with a whiney 'were's my paycheck' blog.)

So how much is your free time worth to you, and what kind of job satisfaction are you really realizing?

Or to be blunt: Are you truly paid enough to do the shit you do?