The other day whilst having a great Christmas lunch with some friends one of them commented how he felt sorry that I wrote my blog. Not because I wrote so badly mind you, but because I seemed so confused and lost in the world. I question/ed everything. I seem to be uncertain of anything and always frantically, and enthusiastically trying to answer a very diverse range of topics that all center around my life. He went on to say that his life was sorted. He'd either answered or grown bored of trying to answer the major questions in his universe and was content. He felt sorry for me, and I felt sorry for him.
Yes his life is sorted in that very human way: Wife, house, car, dogs, and kids on the way. He has reached his career goal, and now is just saving up to finish off his life in comfort. I know I'm over-simplifying his world, and that I'm sure raising kids is perhaps the greatest science experiment of them all, but surely that can't just be it? I mean to reproduce is - and with India's population as an example - painfully easy. To raise good, decent kids, is tricky but with enough electro-shock therapy , do-able. But to stop thinking about life's little mysteries and why the sky is blue (don't care so don't share) is to me to give up on potentially finding more wonder in the universe.
I'm not religious by any stretch, but the more I learn about how bizarre and wonderful the human brain is, the more I want to experience. I don't want to be stuck in a reproductive dead-end (if you'll excuse the oxymoron). Once kids arrive the time for wonder about the simple things in life (and the simpler they are the more complex the answers it seems) ends, and the time of screaming and laughing and growing begins. Does one have time to think about why a certain perfume makes us feel horney whilst another leaves us thinking of mothers day?
Or perhaps I spend my timing thinking about these things to avoid thinking about other things? Is me, thinking about my thoughts, a waste in it's own right? I think I think there for I am I think? Why is my friend so sure that what he thinks is fine, whilst I challenge what I think all the time? Is he so happy with who he is and his place in the world that he doesn't need to think about it? Am I so unhappy in my place that I want to change it so much I have to constantly think about ways of doing that?
My answer to that is no. The other day I was sitting in a burger place eating a huge burger with my boyfriend (ha you wondered when I'd get around to actually talking about him). I'm a million miles away from all my close friends, it's raining, it's a Sunday afternoon, and I haven't slept much (I spent the night at his house, in his bed). I'm stiff (sex eight times in 16 hours or so), and the burger and beer is making me feel a little sick. I'm looking at this magnificent plain tree light against another black Jozi sky. And I felt for one brief moment that I was happy. I didn't know what I was feeling for a while. It was completeness. For a brief time the world vanished. I felt his warm hands in mine, and knew that I'd achieved something special.
I was pulled out of it a moment later but to me that must be what my friend feels. His world is complete. But does it last? Or will his world collapse when he's 50 and he runs off to prove that he's still got it? Because he didn't question himself, he just gave up when bliss arrived? The alternative is that bliss arrived because he stopped thinking and just lived it. So is too much thinking a bad thing?
In previous blogs I've written about not allowing oneself to talk oneself out of doing things just because one could. Well I still agree with this statement. But now I need to add to it:
Don't not do something because you think it won't work.
Sometimes you must resist doing anything to let it work.
Gosh what bad English. Even I'm not sure that's what I mean. But it's what I feel. I'm not going to think this one. I'm going to let my Boyfriend be. I'm going to be me. I'm going to go with the flow and see where we end up. I'm not going to blinker myself and deny what's happening, but I'm also not going to think and think and think about what to do and what not to do. I'm going to do what I feel I should do at the time. No holds barred.
I hope this works cause otherwise I'll look like a twit. So here's the thing: Do you do what you do because you think you should do it? Or because you didn't think you should do it, you FELT you should do it? I've never gone with the 'feeling' to do something. This will be a new experience for me...
