Some cats like fish... some cats don't.

So I asked Apollo - Boyfriends name for blog purposes - why was it that he preferred to ... oh wait:

WARNING SEXUAL REFERENCES AND QUESTIONS

Now that that is out of the way, so I asked him why he liked to put his penis in a bottom and not into a vagina, (there that wasn't so bad was it?) and he had no answer. As I suspect most of you don't. Why do you find the shape of someones knees appealing? Or the fall of their breasts? The bridge of the nose turns you on? Maybe it's the smell? Perhaps it's the sound they make when they bend over. I don't know. What I do know is this: The answer to that question will, in my humble opinion, solve the entire worlds problems.

It will. I swear. And yes this blog is now a rambling where I prove my theory to begin with and then disprove it to myself later in a self indulgent exploration of my inner mess. Deal with it. Or don't. Whatever. OK so back to penis and bottom references.

Picture it: Howick 1994. A young 13 year old boy sees another boy and just wants to be accepted by him...no. We need to go back further. Durban 1845. An ox wagon slowly... wait too far. Try this: Camperdown 1987, a really young 6 year old sees a blonde haired boy, 8 years old. For some reason he really, really, wants to be liked by this blonde boy. The boy stands out. All that memory preserves is of images of his smile, his angular face, his bright blonde hair, and a desire to make him smile and approve of me.

Oh, shit. We can roll back even earlier to 1986. But I'm not sure that's relevant. Forgive me. I continue: One could argue that it is the inherent impulse of all humans to want to be given approval and acceptance by their peers. What makes some though stand out as being the 'main okes'? What is is that made me so desperate to impress this blonde haired fellow? Once he allowed me to play Rounders on his side. I was so proud. Knowing me I probably dropped the ball at a crucial moment. Anyway. After him came my best friend. That was later in 1991.

I wanted him to like me. I liked him. But with him, I wanted to see his penis. I still distinctly remember trying to get him naked by going for walks down to a local dam and getting so covered in mud that taking clothes off seemed normal. I got him down to his briefs once, but he wouldn't go further. That was 1992. After that I was obsessed with seeing penises. Anyones, but his in particular. In 1994 my focus was added to by the inclusion of a few more friends. Of my bunch of friends though, only some of them I harboured secret desires. Through the closeness of our friendships though, I can speak with alacrity here as none of this should come as a surprise to them.

Why though of my friends did I want to get naked with some, not with others? And why did I want to get naked with them in the first place? I discovered masturbation quite by chance in the bath one day. Then, like all boys, I couldn't get enough of it. But I wanted to do it with specific others. Why those others? What set them apart? Now I look at my relationship with my boyfriend. What is it that will turn this relationship into something I can say: I love you?

He has things that really attract me to him. I want to, and do...hehehehe... get naked with him. He has some of things that I am attracted to, he has some things I'm not attracted to. When he is near my I just want to hold him and be held by him. When he's away, I get pangs to be near him, but I sometimes get moments when I just want to be alone. Is this normal? If I understood what makes me like one thing, and not another I would be solved. I could quantify (and yes again I realize how this sounds, android alert) points and then make a rational decision.

If all humans understood the underlying wants, needs, desires we would be a much better place wouldn't we? So the boyfriend did actually have an answer. I lied. However his answer was at once solved my question and frustrated me even more: Some cats like tuna, and some don't. Some enjoy dry food, others don't. This is frustrating because it means on some level the wiring in our brains fix upon certain things before we are able to do anything about it.

And these become ingrained. Sure some can be changed but others seem locked down. If some cats don't eat tuna, it can't be because once their older brother hit them with a wet fish, and so psychologically they can't go near fish. It just means the poor bugger got it into his head that he just don't like fish. So I'm fucked. Thankfully. Sorry.. cough cough (did I mention Apollo and I really enjoy sex with one another? Eight times in one weekend, that's all I'm saying) .

I am stuck in a proverbial: BECAUSE IT SAYS SO ON THE BOX YOU DICK, DEAL WITH IT situation. That means I have to rely on those stupid emotional things. But they can get confused so easily. I have to hold back what my tongue says out of fear that it's just an emotional thing based on hormones pumping through my system. Isn't that all rather clumsy and chaotic? I mean how are we as humans supposed to function as a society if we're all holding back our true inner 'emotionals' for fear that our own hormones are simply trying to get themselves reproduced as offspring for the next generation? It's all a bit sloppy if you ask me.

So have you asked yourself recently: Why do you like someone? Or why do you like the bottom or the knee or the elbow, or in my case the side occipital orbit? (Flat piece above the eye, leading from the eyebrow to the ear)? I'm afraid the answer is simple: Because you do. Crap. So my whole blog is that when it comes to some things we just have to trust that 'we do because we are'. God we're doomed as a species. Start again I say!