I want to help... but how?

I originally intended to post the top 10 happy things of 2008 in this spot, but now I feel it would be a cheap alternative to what is really going on inside my head. I have had the best 6 months of my life. Apart from making my first film, I cannot think of a time when I was happier. I've got an amazingly wonderful future ahead of me, with all the usual pitfalls that one has to contend with, but the long and short of it is, life is great. It's super great. Take for example - yesterday. 

Yesterday I was invited to join a group of friends to go to see an Adult Pantomime - Sleeping Beauty - which is fantastic by the by. Now my initial reaction was 'no, I've got things to do, paintings to work on, and who knows what it'll be like?' etc.  But then I thought - hang on, live the moment, and spend time with your friends. So I said yes. My word, thanks the gods that I did. I went and laughed. And laughed, and fucking laughed. And afterwards went to a wonderful bar/eatery thing, and got drunk. One of the chaps who was in this party was a British bloke who was running a bit of a feeding scheme in Bulgaria of all places. What a character. And what a wonderful way to while away a Sunday afternoon. Watching a bunch of men in drag in a converted church surrounded by gay men. I thought - those Christians had better start praying now. Actually I marvelled at the old beams and the nice door.

But what it got me thinking was how wonderful my life is. It's truly remarkable what has happened to me in so short a time, and how whenever I fall flat my friends all come together and pick me up. When I tell them to fuck off they come back, point out my silliness and help me remember why I love them all. I only hope I deserve it. But then it got me thinking about the boy who killed himself. And another dear friend of mine who's going through a mid-life crisis. I want them to experience life as I am. I want them to have a wonderful world. How can I help them? I can't pay for them - that is sadly my one and only problem. If I could earn just R2000 extra a month I'd be perfectly fine. But I'm not letting it stop me. 

So my problem is how to help my wonderful friends. And I lament because I can't think of how to draw them from the fog of depression. I look at my journey and it was only assisted by me 'wanting' to change. I wanted to be free of the anxiousness, the fear, the lonliness. Obviously for the suicide it's too late. But I want to help prevent that. Is this how mother Terresa started? Just wanting to help others find joy in existance? I don't know. I really, really don't. What I do know though, is that my friends work bloody hard to keep me going. And I shall do the same for them. I will reach out as best I can. 

And so I'm going to start by doing this; I'm going to list the best things about my friends, and those who don't make this list - I'm just warming up, your turn will come: 

1- Hans. His capacity to be so thoughtful as to my well being, to sacrifice his own time for me. Unbelievable. Thanks buddy.

2- Carmen. You are the perfect woman. Kind, generous, but firm, and fair. You are beautiful in all senses of the word. 

3- Hugo. You are my brother. I wouldn't be the person I was if I didn't have you to guide me and show me the right way.

4- Colin. Your amazing talent, your incredible wit. You inspire me.

5- Watson. Your youthful tenacity to being you, you are my constant support, and your loyalty to your friends is awe inspiring.

6- Ryan. You are the silent rock about which the world breaks. I admire your ability to go with the flow.

7- Justin. Your enthusiasm for life, for being you - you are my gay guide, and will always have a special place in my heart.

8- Jurgen. Wherever you are now, you were my role-model. I hope to be yours one day.

9- Leon. Your acceptance of people, and your willingness to help, your ability to be you and to be honest I cannont hope to match. But I will try.

10- Holly. Your support means more than you can imagine. I love you my little sister.

And to all the rest of you, whom I don't spend enough time, whom I haven't written something about here, please forgive me. I'll get to you, I really will. (Also please note that the list above is in no way indicative of friendship status or level, but purely a random numbering...).

So a big thank you to those people who have made a wonderful world all the better just for being in it. Fuck, I've gone all Hallmark now. Oh well, might as well finish the thought: 

MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS.