The Outsider - bastard from another dimension.

I've been on a natural high these past couple of weeks since therapy began. Since 'coming out' to Facebook things have been looking up, at least that's what I thought. I have been embracing my own personal desires, my wants, regardless of the implications. Thankfully the consequences of those desires are all internal and don't really affect others. My desire for a tattoo for example doesn't really involve anyone else. And it's progressing slowly. I'm now designing it myself (as per the tattooists suggestion). I'm selling a whack of my DVD collection (about 200 discs) based on the fact that I don't watch those discs, and have no intention of watching them ever again. And I'm no longer trying to impress people with my amazing collection of bizarre movies.

Now those changes (wardrobe being another physical change) have been fun, and to a large extent have had no real repercussions on me, or on those around me (although they have been hard, and I've had to force myself consciously to follow through on them). In fact most of the people who I've come across have all being highly supportive in my changes. So as I embrace my real interests and real wants I've come to realize that I still have to embrace my internal wants as well. And that is the real battle. But before I can move forward on that I have to explain something about what I learned yesterday: Homophobia. 

As children we have to prove ourselves to one another. At least the extroverted amongst us. We struggle to see who's top kid on the playgrounds. One way this is done is to exclude the competition. Just as Obama and McCain slog it out in the US, so do kids all over the world. And sadly the one method of excluding rivals is to show up their weakness. Now for some reason (self inflicted I'm certain) being 'Gay', a 'poofter', a 'moffie', a 'fudge packer' seems to be a standard and first line weapon in this war. Any act on behalf of the individual that is not 'manly' (I'm talking about the war within a male group) gets the label of 'gay'. The irony of this is that most women desperatly want men who exhibit more 'gay' attributes than manly ones. Compassion, sympathy, listening, artistic vision, personal opinions on art, a reluctance to follow the norm. 

Now add to the mix: roughly 2300 years ago the strongest fighting force in the world (European world) was the Sacred Band, an elite hoplite order of gay lovers. A phalanx of gay partners formed on the suggestions of Plato. He said any unit of fighting men made up of lovers would fight that much harder if they were fighting to save their lovers standing next to them. The Sacred Band was feared throughout Greece. Here is the strongest phyiscal warmachine on Earth. Of course during it's existance 'gay' wasn't a negative. It was just part of existance. But then we push through thousands of years of religion and we end up today. Where you stall your car: that's so gay. Where you wear bright shoes: that's so gay. Where you don't get totally drunk: that's so gay. So as kids we use that throw-away term as a form of exclusion. We don't even really appreciate what being gay means.  

We grow up in this environment of exclusion based on this 'gay' status. Now for those who are not gay, its a sore point and the impact on self image is terrible. The ramifications are insidious. Either the social pressure is so great for him to prove himself that he throws his virginity away at the age of 14, or he turns inwards, isolating himself and looses touch with his peers. For a kid who is gay this becomes a double blow. I knew from the age of about 13 or so that I wasn't interested in women. I was attracted to all the guys in my class (well personal taste excluding some). So when I was called gay I had to try to actively prove otherwise without sleeping with women, which wasn't and still isn't an option. I'm not an introvert. Nor am I a warrior though;  I negotiate, and then run to the police/law/higher authority (yes, totally gay). The result of becoming the monster that everyone else so villified was terrible. 

So I denied my inner voice. It was 'easier' than standing up against the voice of 'humanity'. There was no champion for my inner voice. It was me against the world, and since I wanted to be part of the world I surrended myself. Now fast forward nearly 15 years and the champions of my inner voice are all around us. From movie actors to public figures, from celebrities to common folk. And yet internally I am still at war. My inner voice is trying to struggle free, to fight off the now internalized phobia of being branded gay. I guess we all have these internal battles. These internal versus internalized battles. At once it's both pathetic and gigantically impossibe. Surely we should be able to realize these self-induced civil wars are just that. Self induced. So we should be able to just sign a peace-treaty and move on. Ha! We're human, and it's never that easy.

So I've now taken the battle outside, let the world return their judgements upon me I've brazenly said. I am me, hear me roar! That's been my message for the past couple blogs. However in a sense I was trying to deny the war. The internal gay wanted just to ignore the internalized homophobe. But it is not that easy. Just as Professor Mature controls my public image, so it seems a new spectre has been revealed: The Outsider. In this case the Outsider is fighting to keep me in the 'acceptable' space of society. Even though the Outsider's orders are ancient, misguided, and in total conflict with the internal me, it's irrelevant. Hand in hand Professor Mature and the Outsider stuggle to keep the last vestiages of the 'good' Guy alive, fighting to keep the gay Guy down.

This doesn't make sense. It's madness. And yet it's part of me. And I have to learn how to reconcile that. Someone asked me the other day when I was going to get a girlfriend. The Outsider rallied and made some bullshit excuse about "Oh never, did you see the report on student X?" I tried to deflect the question. WHY DID I NOT SAY: Girlfriend? No, I'm after a boyfriend, and hopefully soon? WHY? WHY? WHY? As my college left I didn't feel the wave of relief usually associated with deflecting that kind of question that I used to feel in the past. Instead I felt beaten, broken, betrayed, and weak. Professor Mature and The Outsider were smiling. Job well done. My therapist has told me it's fine. Small steps. Take these things one stage at a time. I still feel frustrated with myself. In inner power is not yet strong enough to stand on it's own. I guess that's why he wants me to socialize with lots of other gay people. To help build into that power, and fucking kill The Outsider.

I'm working on clearing out the clutter of my physical existance, changing it to suit me. My internal battles will take longer. And now I have two enemies to fight, Prof. Mature isn't alone...But fear not, I'm here for the long haul, and even if it takes me all my days I will never go back. I'll never again try to deny my homosexuality. And even if I loose a battle here, slip up and let the Outsider win a skirmish there, I will constantly be fighting for victory. My Sacred Band are currenlty in training and one day we will rise up to become that unstoppable force. I swear it!