Well you first need to identify the penis. And yes I'm specifically using the penis as a referance object. You'll understand why later. And for those of you reading hoping to god that your boss doesn't walk past and sees the the word PENIS on your screen; welcome to my life for the past twenty odd years. One must understand first what one has been hiding. And by hiding I mean perhaps denying. My biggest breakthrough moment was not when I realized that I was pretending to be something I wasn't. Because I wasn't pretending to be something different. It was pretending to be all the 'good' things I wanted others to see. I'm not mad, just excellent at marketing the 'good' qualities about myself.
Those of you who've read the previous blog will be aware that I was constantly performing for others so that they wouldn't look to close at the real me. Well that performance became so good, so entrenched in me that it became me. A shallow shell of false repressions, fake promises, and totally self centred lies. We all lie to ourselves. It's how we cope. How we develop hope in something impossible. 'When I get a girlfriend I'll settle down' or 'When I get my drivers license' and the big one 'when I loose 20 kilos I'll ...'. Point being we lie to ourselves to NOT DO ANYTHING.
We delay our actions on the off chance that the universe will mysteriously solve our lives problems. We hang onto one lie until it becomes obvious its not going to help, and so we move onto the next one. Sadly that's what I did for a long, long time. But I've spent too long on the why's. Lets say you've realized that you lie to yourself about your inner self. You want that tattoo, or to sleep with men, or to just be free of social cares (all true in my case). But you're afraid that others will be mortified, will villify you, stone you, and curse you out of their ciricles of existance. The gates of Hell will open and the demons will dance upon you, dragging you down into the depths of self hatred - that you've been feeling all along anyway only for your personal wants. See my point? You've known what you want but hated yourself for it. Tried to change, tried to live the 'good' life and achived nothing but false existance. Yet the alternative is... oh wait. To be thrown out of that false existance, ostensibly to a worse place... How much fucking worse could it be? You're a false image, a denied spirit.
Well just how does one then break free of the illusion, the lies, the false images that one has built up over the years? The answer is as simple as it is terrible: Start doing things you want to do. I know. 'But, Guy,' you say 'I can't do that.' If I told my wife I actually wanted to be a cross-dresser, or if I told my friends I actually like computers and not cars they'd laugh at me. They'd mock me and I'd feel stupid. Different. Alone. But you're already alone. You're just lieing to yourself that you do actually like those things. Yet no matter how much you try to get into you just really can't. Deep down. So you are alone anyway. You just lie to yourself that your friends/lovers/partners/co-workers like you. They wouldn't if they really knew the real you? The one who actually doesn't believe in God? Who actually would rather design a new kitchen instead of watch the game on TV. You know what I realized? Fuck them. Why should they control you? You clearly don't control them, so what gives them the right to control you? Nothing. We're all human.
So in my case for example my biggest fear was 'coming out'. I felt that the people around me had made it very clear that 'fucking fudge packers', 'homo's' and 'gays' were the spawn of Satan, and something to be hated. I've had students tell me with passion their hatred for gay people. Rather difficult for me then to turn around and tell them that they should hate their 'favorite' lecturer. But then I realized I'm allowing a student who has only known me for a few months determine my life for the next two years. I'd keep it quiet, swallow the gay jokes, perhaps laugh at them (to avoid detection) and then after two years and the student graduates? Another student, or a parent or a 'friend' might say the same thing. I've spent my whole life living in this cycle of lies. However each time I decide - this is it, I'm coming out, Professor Mature has reminded me about the boss who hates queers, or the client who nearly punched a homo in the gym the other day or the student who hates gays. Professor Mature is just 'looking out' for my future. Get fired today and you might never get another job again. You'll loose the car, the flat, everything, and just because you want to stick your penis in slot A instead of slot B? That kind of thing.
Here is the funny thing though, that precious job, that precious cash... I could spend on non-gay stuff because what if the boss pops around with a file or something? I can't have gay stuff laying around the flat. And my mail - what if he saw a PENIS? I'd be fucked. The hatred in the students eyes, that I'm a failure as a lecturer? That's a lie. He might not be able to like me, but he can't not get the knowledge I've beaten into his head out. And he's a good student, a testimoney to his work, and my skill as a teacher. And here's another of lifes lessons: you can't please everybody.
So denial of self to satisfy others it's a lifetime of you, but a moment for the rest of Earth. The students who hate gays? Let them scream and shout, let them leave because of me. Who cares? Their parents and my boss for an hour before some other crisis comes up. But me? I'll be gay. I'll be me. So back to the topic at hand: Inserting Penis into slot A. I've discovered my penis (all puns intended). I'm gay, and I'm starting to accept it. And part one, phase one of starting to love myself is to accept myself. And that means no more lies. So here's how poor old Professor Mature is being killed: You're reading it. Like I said - you've just got to do it. You really want to be a rock-star? Start a band. Join a band. Learn how to fucking play the drums, by actually signing up for lessons. Yes at the age of 44, yes at the age of 90. Why not? No one else will care, really. You want to be loud and silly, then be loud and silly (but please respect others ears).
So I've started a blog with a name I've always wanted to use: The Gay Guy. That's me. Then because this blog is only one in a billion, I posted the blog on my facebook (gee sclanders) site. That generated some interest. But not really enough. So then I joined a whole lot of gay facebook pages. And all of my friends, all of those 104 people or whatever it is, got little notes about my actions. And the majority have sent little notes: 'Cool, lets go get drunk'. Or 'Hey who knew? Oh and I'm a lesbian. Came out last year, lets get together'. Others have sworn eternal friendship because of my honesty. What had I imagined would have happened? They all turn on me, hating me for all time. The exact opposite of it happened. And the students? Do I declare tomorrow in class: "No more gay jokes, cause I'm the butt of them?" (God I'd love to do that actually, because that's fairly funny). No. It's not appropriate. I teach film making, not social whatever. But every time they mention the evil of gays I will fight for gay rights, I'll point out the power of words to enslave people, and if the point needs to be made, I'll tell them I'm gay. Perhaps this is Professor Matures last stand, making me not want to tell my students? I think it's what I believe to be the right way to change someone's perception. Not to scream and shout, but to guide and help discover the right answer.
Who knows, but from Monday I swore: Never again will I hold back because I'm afraid of what others will think. From today (then) I am me, and I do what I want because I can. And every step of the way is a battle with myself, there is no easy solution, but the only way forward is to take it one step at at time...join me. Be free, be yourself. I dare you!
No comments:
Post a Comment