Firstly I didn't realize that it has been five months since my last post. How truly remarkable. I would like to say it was because I've been happy and enjoying life. I'd like to say that because it's true. I've been working for a new company and the work has been remarkably different, curious, and above all else, fairly free for me to do what I do best. And yet this evening I had a little moment in the kitchen.
I am one of the least precise people I know. Or perhaps I should say I'm one of the biggest apathetically generalist solution finders I know. That's a hell of a title. But when I think about how I operate - how I go about solving problems, or in fact solving life I seem to always look for the most basic solution. I'm not lazy, at least not by other Humans standards. I put hours of work into subjects that most others would put in only a few. At the same time I only put in say twenty hours where some of my friends would put in say fifty.
I find a working solution and am satisfied. I might brush it off with a - well look I didn't spend an awful amount of time on it, and it's working so sure its fine. If we spent another week we could maybe take it from working to great. I don't get phased. I might be a little disappointed in myself for not pushing further but that blows off of me in a matter of hours. Or I look at the 'slap-dash' solution that I've come up with and conclude that it's just another failing of mine.
You see I tend to look at what I've done and almost always resignedly say: I could have done better if I'd put in more effort. I'm such a looser. This self doubt is not healthy obviously but it's how I've gone through life. I think I know why. If I can always fall back on - I could have done it better - I'm never really proving my true capability. In other words I don't prove I'm actually not good. I prove that I'm quite good, or that my solution is not too bad, but just in case I might not be capable of achieving good I never strive for it. My speedometer on my car says 200 km is the fastest it can travel. I never take it above 140 so as far as my car is concerned it's capable of more but it just hasn't been pushed enough.
I can only imagine that a basic psychology behind this is linked to my father not wanting to teach me how to play sport (this isn't true. He quite possibly did want to teach me but was either away trying to make money to feed me, or perhaps didn't want me to have his sporting life etc. I don't know I haven't asked him), and me sucking at sport as a kid. So as a kid I felt - I don't have worth. Then my grandmother constantly pushing me by saying that I could do better entrenched perhaps in me this feeling that what I was doing wasn't really good enough.
Now couple that with my closest friend always telling me that I never finish anything from the majority of my puberty and you get someone who is well... me. If that is a casual chain that's true. Does this mean that I can now unlock my true potential, focus on a topic long enough and really put in 110%? Or does it mean that although everyone around me, and me as the spirit, might think I am capable of more when I'm really actually not? 200 kilometers is merely an ideal and like my little car I'm actually only ever able to reach 140, effort or no.
And if I have found my limit is it really a limit? I mean we're talking about a limit on human capability. In my case human imagination and ingenuity. Can one limit that? Can one even measure that? Is this the typical type of angst ridden meanderings of 'creative' based humans everywhere? I don't know. And to be honest I don't care. I will continue to come up with ideas and thoughts until I die, or loose my mind.
What I'm interested in however, is what is the impact of me not really bothering or being capable of putting in 110%?
For starters when my emotional life gets complicated I typically terminate it. Then dismiss it as just being something that was bound to happen. Of course I'm human though so termination of those relationships is always repercussive (new word - its the active tense of repercussion) insofar as after the logical apathy has faded the longing for that humans relationship is sorely missed. So should I warn people - listen if I start to like you and I reach a point where I can't deal with my emotional state and tell you to fuck off please don't be offend I'm just psyched that way?
Most of my friends know that I say I can walk away from friendships and not care, but I do, after a while and the logic has wandered off to play with some other puzzle and I'm left to myself. Is there a way to solve this? Is there some kind of answer? Do I simply have to realize that I need stronger willpower. I've identified an operational modus when emotions, when intellect, when creativity is threatened, now when I reach that point I should just push on?
Except that for nearly 20 odd years I've been apathetic to 'fighting the good fight'. I don't have a lot of will power. It's taken me years, years to get to a point where I am seeing the light at the end of the financial tunnel. Standard bank should send me a 10th anniversary of debt card, and congratulate me on being one of their most loyal debt repayers who never seems to get out of debt.
I'm smart, I know what I should do with my money. And yet my willpower crumbles at the slightest creative thought. Oooh pay off a credit card of decades of debt or ... shiny! Make a movie, fund an expedition, start building a suit of armour, write a book, resign from job... whatever.
This lack of will power is my greatest fear for myself. I was once worried that I'm was going to be a depraved sex fanatic, but I think I've worked that out of my system. I was exploring my sexuality and although there are one or two things left to explore, I'm fairly stable now. I think. But for a while I was secretly worried that it would become an all consuming passion. A friend once predicted it - once you start down the garden path, forever will the penis dominate your path. It nearly did. But now my biggest fear is that I won't ever gain control over my impulses.
But perhaps I shouldn't. Leonardo Da Vinci, (and no I am not putting my abilities on the same level as his), I'm simply pointing out that he left almost 80% of everything he started unfinished. He drifted from project to project, starting with feverish desire and then cooling off as some other passion over came him. I do the same. Every company I work for I start off as a maniac, reinventing systems, pushing the boundaries. Then I get bored and go somewhere else.
Did Da Vinci have my same concerns? Perhaps. Except he wrote his blogs in a book and in code so perhaps he was an introvert and not really interested in other's ideas. I wonder if being afraid of never being able to settle down is something that I should worry about really? Financially of course. It's a disaster waiting to happen. Emotionally oh good lord it's one tricky son of a bitch. Long term relationships will exist if I meet incredibly patient people. Who will put up with my loss of interest and then resurgence and loss and resurgence and loss... But is that fair to potential partners? Or should I preface my dates with: Warning may act bipolar emotionally towards you over the course of the next 50 years. Just suck it up and remain interesting and I'll swing back after a couple of months of isolation. That's asking a bit much.
But work wise it keeps me moving in different directions and helps companies make big strides in new directions, which makes money for them, which means I will always be useful. At least on that level. Will I ever be satisfied with life? Nope. I'll have never put in 110% to something but I've have done about 210% things in my life. If I am hard-wired or hard-scarred as may be the case won't that mean that I'll die satisfied that I was curiousositically (new word deal with it) engaged all the time and so will by my definition have been satisfied my whole life?
What about you dear reader? Are you stupidly completionist? Do you seek to solve each and every problem in the smallest detail? Or are you like me? White-washing the Mona Lisa simply because its easier and if you put a red square in the bottom corner (that's mean to have different uneven lengths) its got some artistic merit...
And my word what kind of nightmare must people suffer through who do want to do things 110% correctly and by the book? What nightmare must I be that hurricanes through the world leaving sloppy bits everywhere and not really caring? And are there other cases? People who find specific problems require ultimate focus and dedication whilst other problems can be generally brushed aside? Are they the really balanced ones? Or just really boring?
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