Blerg, blarg, and bugger

The Four horsemen of Unsatisfied Staff are: Miscommunication, his brother, Dis-information, their cousin Assumption, and the bastard boy known as Total Self Centered Cunt. I hate looking up and seeing the four horsemen of this particular scourge. Miscommunication is the always the first to arrive, always keen to have fun with peoples minds. But, like that annoying cousin who just never leaves after a family braai until you've packed away all the dishes, washed the cat, and put on your pajama's, and finally told to fuck off and die (and then is hurt that you said such horrid things), Assumption follows.

Assumption is the mother of All Fuck-Ups, which means that Miscommunication is a distant cousin to All Fuck-ups. Now, Miscommunication and Assumption can be banished fairly easily if you say hold a meeting that clears up Assumption like a case of 24 hour diarrhea, and with a little line of questions like who, what, how, why, when, and where, Miscommunication will leave, having gotten bored. It's when dis-information comes along that the shit starts to slide towards your desk.

Dis-information is a military term meaning - to feed the press something not totally based on actual events. It keeps the general population from panicking when the aliens land. However dis-information in the office environment is a nasty little troll. It's bosses not wanting staff to panic, or worse yet, know the true state of events. Whilst certain bosses may feel dis-information about certain impending events is good in keeping the peons from forgetting about their present work, and instead daydreaming of a future full of bonuses and freedom, if the dis-information is allowed to join the party of Assumption and Miscommunication, dis-information becomes a wonderful weapon of malcontent. Instead of the staff blissfully continuing to work, rumours, scandals, and most importantly dissent begin to spread.

The quicker staff begin to look for ways to cover themselves, and begin to furiously send out emails to prove their innocence, and shift whatever potential blame to their colleagues, aka friends. The slower staff just get worried and wonder what to do. The smokers begin smoking more furiously, meeting in nervous little clouds of lung cancer, regardless of the torrential downpour to suck one another's dirty air whilst hyperventilating about the assumed miscommunicated dis-information.

Now, all of this goes away when the boss, the leader of these neurotic shit shifters, asthmatic smoke-suckers, and dim-witted drones, holds an 'lets unpack all this into useful bits, and form a collective plan'. Most often these work. People feel relaxed, comfortable that there is some reassurance that the shit is still a long way off, and not sliding in their general direction, and that their pay-cheque is in the mail (damn that's a dated saying; it should be: that their automatic EFT is being processed).

The total fuck-up comes when the spoilt boy arrives: Total Self Centered Cunt. This little arsehole will hold a meeting to discuss the problem. Not in terms of the company, but in terms of the staff themselves. Instead of realizing that everyone at the meeting is desperately hoping that the world will continue to spin, and that all they need is a little reassurance that although tough times are ahead, things will work out, the TSCC will blame the staff for all the worlds problems. Sayings like: Productivity is down, lack of self motivation from staff, no initiative taken by staff, lack of focus, general apathy towards work, and my favorite one: chairs spinning at precisely 16:30.

So the shit shifters feel like shit because their ploy didn't work. The smoke-suckers have fresh-air panic attacks, and spend even more time smoking. The dim-witted ones wonder just how they have lost focus, when all their work is done on time, and is duly accepted. In short, the TSCC has taken all the work of his companion horsemen and tripled the trouble. A month later the shit-shifters have sent so many emails covering their trail they don't know how to maneuver, have no friends, and are feeling miserable. The smoke-suckers are all ill, suffering from break-downs, and stress induced bad health. The dim-wits are carrying all the work, and have by now begun to think that perhaps with all this new work experience if they couldn't become a shit-shifter or a smoke sucker, and so make plans, however slowly, to leave.

Then when the shit does hit the fan, everyone jumps ship. The shit-shifters have lined up work in another city, they had to, no one in their current city would accept them, the smoke-suckers are off to rehab and lung replacement, or to another smokers click somewhere, and dim-wits are no longer dim-wits, but highly skilled and valuable employees, who find placement elsewhere with ease. The boss now finds himself alone on a sinking ship, with no allies, and a stack of bills. If he's wise, he'll realize his staff - although a bunch of self-serving people (and we all are when it comes to business) were to a large degree fairly important in the running of the business. Now without them the only option is to hire new staff.

And the cycle begins again. The company doesn't grow, how can it? If you keep pruning back all the experienced leaves, and keep importing new ones, you're not growing, you are staying the same size. When I find myself in a company that is beset by the four horsemen of Unsatisfied Staff I wonder how it happened. I myself being a bit forward, and perhaps a bit loud-mouthed and vocal about issues, tend to try to raise the issue with management. I am then seen as the herald of the Four Horsemen that most companies dread the most: Staff Empowerment, Increases, Bonuses, and Honesty.

I usually get told to politely go away, and usually I then leave the company because of disillusionment. When my students, boyfriend, and at one point complete strangers pointed out to me that my wardrobe was a bit old fashioned, out dated, and sucky, I had two choices: stick with it, or change. I asked myself: was it such a bad thing to change? Could I change? Was I perhaps over looking some fundamental of fashion? I honestly ... well needed to go to a therapist and only then could I answer those questions truthfully. My fashion has changed a little, updated a little, and certain items are no longer worn.

Bosses need to have the same ability to see when something is wrong, and not blame everyone else. I had to laugh. I was sent a mail saying: When people are like sandpaper, and just grind and rough you up, remember that you'll emerge later a polished and smooth object, whilst the sandpaper will be spent and torn. I had a good laugh. The individual who'd sent it clearly had not checked to see if before sending they were the polished knob, or the shitty paper. Consensus was shitty paper.

So my beloved reader: Are you a herald of Unsatisfied Staff? A shit-shifter, a smoke sucker, or a dim-wit? And if you're the boss, are you the TSCC? Or the solution? The knob or the grit?