There are certain times for sure when I've realized that I couldn't do something. Loose weight for example is one of those things that I doubt will ever happen. Or giving up milk. That certainly will never happen. But when it comes to my profession, the thing that I love doing the most because it allows all my bull-shit to work, I have never encountered something that has been impossible. Oh I've worked hard, and that is no bullshit. I've spent sleepless nights working to get something done that others would have never dreamed of attempting. But I did it.
And although a lot of the work I do is really just bull-shit dressed up in fancy clothes, people buy it, and comment on how nicely it works. It has always been a secret fear of mine that someone will see it for what it is. And some of my friends do point it out, painfully so. And it causes me deep shame when they do because no matter how I try to bull-shit my way it's merits or values (implied, or non-existant) I know deep down that they are right.
So for a con-man, a bull-shitter, to be caught out, and not be able to worm a solution is a very humbling thing. For it is the mark of the ultimate fail. A piece of work that is held together with smoke and mirrors, promises of delivery delayed through words and loop-holes, these are in many regards successes. And Heaven forbid a bull-shit that actually works. That's just heaven. I'm very close to achieving one of those, with the aid of some hard workers that I've managed to con into believing I know what I'm doing.
But tomorrow I have to admit that there is something in my profession that no matter what technical trickery, what magical smoke I blow across it just will not work. I cannot do it. I couldn't do it if I spent a week doing it. And yet I said I could. I know perhaps I'm being too hard on myself, and that no one else can do it either. There might be some arsehole out there who'll spend his whole weekend doing it, and get it right, or some other cunt who will do it half-arsed and it'll be accepted because of time pressure, but I cannot get the work done to my usual level of bull-shit.
Which of course makes me stop and think: If my bull-shit is a little more polished, a little more dedicated to being a better kind of bull-shit, does that make mine worth more than some other bull-shitter? Does that make me a better person? Or just a slightly better bull-shitter? I don't know. I really don't. I guess that's also why I can't trust other people - intrinsically, and possibly why relationships are doomed to fail: I see everyone as being a bull-shitter. Some good at it, others not. I also see some who are perhaps not bull-shitters, but who are real. Who are honest. And although they are really nice people, they don't seem to have a spark.
The spark of course is the excitement of carrying a bull-shit beyond just a thought. The spark is putting something out into the world, and watching it grow, change, develop, and turn into something solid that others then use. It's like a perverse way of altering the universe. It's sad to think that the only way I'll alter the universe is by smearing my bull-shit onto it. And yet, sometimes my bull-shit is meant with the very best of intentions. So perhaps bull-shit is the wrong term? What could I replace it with?
To bull-shit is to offer up something that is not real, as being real. The reason for offering up something can be motivated by a few things: Greed, envy, social pressure, love, hatred... there are many reasons for bull-shitting. When we offer a sympathetic ear to a friends woes, and offer them advice that it'll be better, or that their decision was a good one - technically we don't know for certain (we can't right) so we're bull-shitting. When we accept more responsibilities at work, we're bull-shitting that we can do it, either to ourselves or our bosses. When we have children we bull-shit everyone (we're capable of raising other humans). I mean which parent on Earth raises their first child with complete confidence?
No we all bull-shit to some degree. Could I replace bull-shitting with: Decision making? I make a conscious decision to exaggerate my abilities to a client in the hopes of getting business? I make a decision to make my friend feel better by saying to him that he's a wonderful dresser? So why bull-shit? Why lie? Because we're programmed to do it. Only some of us have little moral codes that jump into the way: I don't lie. Really? Tell your mother-in-law what you really think of her?
I don't lie - so keeping silent about the affair you know of is not lying? It's what? None of your business? Surely the other person would say: if you knew why didn't you say? No I think evidence far outweighs all arguments: As Humans we lie. Social requirements. So it's just some Humans who say that certain types of lying is good or acceptable and other types are not. Oh God I know, I've spoken about my lying before. It's irritating. I lie. I don't like it. I can't help it. It just happens. Well tonight I lied and now tomorrow I have to admit it.
And if fucking sucks. So why do we do it? Ah fuck. Humans! Who fuck'en want's 'em? I don't. So how do you bull-shit? And how do you feel when you're stuck in a lie? And it keeps going? Or growing? Who are you lying to at the moment? And is it really necessary? (Stop shaking your head, of course you think it's necessary, cause you're bull-shitting yourself that it is...).
Anyway, all of you wonderful people have a great evening (see how easy it is to lie. I don't care if you have a great evening or just a normal evening...) and think about it: If you stopped bull-shitting for a day how many friends/family would you have to politely tell to go fuck themselves? Really...
2 comments:
You're right we all do it. It can be particularly stressful when you're the one other people look to for a solution. There's a strong pressure in that situation to say "Yes, I can" despite feeling significant doubt. And at the time you say it, you even believe it yourself. That doesn't make it "bullshit", particularly if you actually devoted time and energy trying to turn your eager lie into honest truth. It's only retroactively untrue. Most people would call that a "mistake".
And given your ability to pull metaphorical rabbits out of hats at the last minute, purple fur and all, I'd suggest part of what you're doing is simply challenging yourself. And most of the time you succeed in rising to the challenge. Sometimes, obviously, you will fail. There's no shame in that, and very little in the way of dishonesty.
For once, I think you're being too hard on yourself.
And since you asked, bullshit is one word, and therefore, as a verb, becomes regular (unlike shit). So the past tense would be bullshitted.
From my electronic Concise Oxford :
bullshit vulgar slang
n noun nonsense.
n verb (bullshits, bullshitting, bullshitted) talk nonsense in an attempt to deceive.
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