OK. Wow. A lot of responses both here and via FB which is a pity as I like to share all responses with readers. My blogs are after all an out-pouring of my mind, plus an in pouring of yours. And I do truly thank all the contributors who take time to respond. And all responses are read and thought about and reviewed, even if not mentioned by name.
Basically if I can sum up what has been sent through thus far:
1 - Compromise needs to happen on important things. These things need to be recognized by both parties as being important and therein lies the crux (recognition of important of others needs/desires/wants).
2 - Change is subtle and may not actually happen, but we seem to constantly strive for it. We should be aware of this and attempt to curb overt behavior (attempts to change partner) and merely act as support.
3 - I think too much. This may be a way of dissociation from reality, an attempt to ignore my emotions, or simply from the fact that I think too much. Other humans may not do this.
So where does all of this leave me? It's an interesting question. Let me be honest about where it leaves me:
For some reason, a reason I don't know, I find the idea of doing things for others fine, provided it doesn't interfere with my present desires. For example I don't mind dropping a gaming acquaintance off in JHB involving an hour of traffic, provided I didn't have alternative plans. And these plans seem to take up chunks of time, which are precious. I don't like spending more than about 40 minutes (less on some days) engaged in small talk or minor action. It irritates me to be so unproductive/non-creative. Do I suffer from ADD? I don't know. For me, small talk is so easy, so surface, that I get mentally bored. This boredom then translates into frustration and ultimately resentment of those I'm engaged in small talk with.
So those tenets/rules are really there to allow me a way of stepping out of boredom, legally. And I really don't know why I have such a hang up about having 'social rules' to live by. Sure my Grandmother and mother were obsessed with protocol and doing the right thing, but I have frequently rebelled against that. But not the simple ones. Not the time ones: Arrive at 11:30 for pre-lunch drinks. Leave at 13:30 or you overstay. Tea is a 1600. I like to know my time frames. Small talk should be governed by rules as well because otherwise you get stuck.
I don't know why. WHY WHY WHY WHY!
Am I such a selfish, self absorbed arsehole that I don't give a fig about others or their problems? That I only have time for myself, and expect others to give all their time to me with nothing in return? I don't think so. I listen, I try to help. But I don't want to have others dictating time to me.
So why is time so important. This was one thing my therapist and I couldn't resolve: Time to me is more valuable than anything else. Particularly 'me time'. It takes highest priority. Again I don't think this makes me self-absorbed. I expect everyone else to have a strong desire for 'me time' as well (only their time naturally). I can't understand people who don't seem to treasure it.
But what do I do with it? What is so precious about it? I play games, I muck-about. I do stuff. (I am always active and will never spend more than 10 minutes sitting doing nothing). What is so important about that? I feed my curiosity during 'me time'. I can do whatever I want to do. When I have others around me, I can't. My curiosity must remain in check as I devote my energies to that other person.
So why shouldn't I want to devote my energy to that person? Because I'm not interested in people? We all have the same issues - our hierarchy of needs. I am far more interested in learning about how NASA designed a space pen, or discovering what is around the next door in a computer game, or painting a Roman solider or reading a book. These are unexpected surprises, not cyclic worries and concerns. I get bored over my own problems, why should I be any more interested over someone else's?
In short I think because I get on with people so well, because I can listen to their talk, and respond and ask them questions, I never get into anything deeper. After all, how can you if the person you're talking to can't go deep, or has never been deeper? Or doesn't want to go deep. I share my most intimate of thoughts with people, strangers even, because I have realized none of us have anything to hide. Others however cannot. So they exist with a surface regallation (to regal in active sense) of their day to day 'safe' stories. I find this dull.
I realize though that we cannot always talk on this deep level. This is fine. So during those non-deep level moments why talk at all? Why waste time? And I know what you're thinking: Because people need time and surface conversations to get comfortable enough to swim in deeper water. Fine. Let them socialize and grind through the banal existence of humanity. I open up from word go, and that's what I expect from others. Don't do that, and I really don't have time to wait. Now that may be my real problem.
And here's another problem: I don't care. It didn't take a miracle for me to realize that if I tell you I once set my testicles on fire by accident during a hot-wax session you are not going to think anything more or anything less of me. In fact some of you may go out and get some candles tomorrow as it sounds kinky. Some of you might now avoid open flames. Others may smile, giggle, think - fuck Guy's completely nuts (half baked har har) and move on. Others may even nod sagely and remember back to their own little 'incident' of genital flambe.
My point is, if any of my friends stop being my friend because of what I did/do/think/act in private then they can fuck off. And if any of them revealed to me that they did odd things to themselves I wouldn't think twice of it. I'd be curious to know more, find out motives, details, possibly take notes for self use later. I'd devote more 'me time' to your story. I'm open, why can't the rest of the population be? Or at least the part of the population I meet?
Oh and Patrick, if you read this, here's your mention: I love you dearly as a friend, but it's pronounced ROOT... not ROWT. Damned Americans.
So 'me time'. It's a new concept that I need to explore further. It has ... implications. If I can learn to ... curb 'me time' time, it may give me more time for 'others time'. But thinking on what Hugo said - and I disagree about what he said about some individuals we know - sometimes we can't change who we are. And I suspect 'me time' may be one of those selfishly immutable internal LAWS that I will find very, very, hard to change.
----
OK you can stop reading now but below is something that I have to add, as it links to 'me time' about drug takers and alcoholics.
----
With the concept of 'me time' comes another important concept. 'Real time'. And this a complex idea so hang in there. When I spend time with others I like to hear the 'real stories' inside their heads. I don't want lies or illusions. Yes. I can hear the sighs and see the grins: I lie. I lie all the time to everyone. Deal with it. I only lie however for three reasons: 1 is to impress people for sake of appearing more competent, knowledgeable or understanding than I am. 2 is to entertain people, and 3 is to protect people from the cold hard truth. But this isn't about that. When I write these blogs, or talk about my own inner feelings those are all open, honest, bald truths (or as near a truth as I can get at the time). Because that is important to me: Those 'real' thoughts are what are interesting, the surface thoughts, the petty lies, are not. They are useless, time wasting bits of junk that should be forgotten.
So when I meet people and look for 'real time' spent I must trust that 'real' answers have been given. What this leads me to then is my deep seated and long held aversion for people who drink excessively over time (alcoholics) and drug users. They, by confession, experimentation, and self experience, do not present 'real' truths. They may present 'actual' truths. Told you it was tricky. A drunk man may confess he is madly in love with his pet poodle, and shags it every night. That's an 'actual' truth. But he is not cognizant of that 'actual' truth be shared to others. He's drunk. If he was sober and he said the same thing it means it is 'real' to him, and to his listener. Does that make sense? Someone on weed, or other heavier drugs, can espouse 'actual' truths but it isn't 'real' it isn't their naked vulnerable and highly self aware self telling the 'real'. It's a chemical that makes it come out. Not self emancipation.
But why do I want that? Why do I want only 'real' truths and not 'actual' truths? I don't know. They just seem worthy of my time. Anyway, that then is why I don't like people who are addicted to substances that alter their perceptions of the world and inhibit self motivated confessions. Just a thought.
13 comments:
Only a few points here worth commenting on, otherwise I think you're on the right track.
1.) It's "relegation" not "regallation". "Regallation", if it existed as a word, and COED says it doesn't, would be 'the act of making someone a king.' :)
2.) You're an artist -- more than that, you're a storyteller. Certainly you need plenty of "me" time - most creative people do.
However, bear in mind that you've said to me all the good art is based on character.
This gives you a solution for those times when you find yourself bored in social engagements. Treat it as research. Imagine the person you're talking to as a character (or part of a character) in a future story. Everyone has something to contribute, if you look at it that way.
I think you'd be better at doing that than I would, actually.
3.) Drugs and alcohol. I know you hate them, but other people don't. And almost all of them have the effect of lowering inhibition. This means people can actually speak a lot *more* truthfully about some things when they've had a few drinks. You're not like that - I accept that - but most other people are. The original conception was in vino veritas, in other words, in wine lies truth.
I suspect at least part of your dislike of drugs and alcohol might be this very thing - you won't use them because you're afraid you won't be in control of yourself and what you say.
But in this case, try not to make a virtue of necessity - you might have very good reasons for not partaking of recreational substances, but that doesn't mean that people who do are somehow inferior to you. (And yes, that is more or less what you said in this post).
Again, treat it as a learning opportunity. By observing people who drink and use recreational drugs, you can then use that "research" in a story to make it more authentic.
Just a question...
If this is true:
I share my most intimate of thoughts with people, strangers even, because I have realized none of us have anything to hide.
Then why:
I only lie however for three reasons: 1 is to impress people for sake of appearing more competent, knowledgeable or understanding than I am.
1 - Regale.. to talk on and on an on. Regallation is the act of regaling someone with your stories. Remember - my blog, and I'm allowed to invent new and useful words.
2 - My point, perhaps my whole point, is that I don't want to have to use people (for research or anything else) as I don't want people to use me. It must be a genuine interest in another another or not. Not some superficial thing. I want REAL interaction or no interaction.
3 - Colin, I'm not sure how much more I could openly share with people if I was on drugs. I have maybe one or two more little secrets - for which I'm not proud and most likely won't share unless it arises - but otherwise the only things drugs would do perhaps is allow me to openly say to people that they are all surface and no substance and that I find them dull. ie. Drugs would remove my 'nice to humans' filter.
4 - to Carmen, I think you missed my bit about - 'real' 'important' thoughts and emotions are always spoken about truthfully. The lies and deception are used primarily to protect others from my truthful opinion about them and their actions, or to entertain them. I don't like when I'm being honest... bwaahahahahaha. Seriously though, the lieing is a form of protecting the other person, and entertaining the other person (see reason for not taking drugs above).
5 - I've love to drop the lies, but does anyone really want to hear: No, I don't think I want to watch a film with you today, because you're rather dull, and I'd prefer to go alone. That is the truth, but not necessarily what the other person wants to hear. It's far easier and nicer to say "Oh shucks, I'm working today, why don't you go watch it, and I'll catch it another time."
6 - So when people try to manipulate me into going anyway, I get angry because they're pushing me into a place I didn't want to be in in the first place, and then gloating about how much fun we had afterwards.
7 - The dinner was lovely, there was nice food, the people all have fairly unique stories about irrelevant and banal stuff. In short it was as I predicted. A rather long wait until it was over...
I fear truth in some respects Guy. If I were to pour out my truths to some, I think the results could be catastrophic.
So I have my version of "me time". This is where I withdraw and become introspective, having these conversations with myself. I need to speak about these things, think on them and in some way rationalise how they impact on the way in which I relate to the "Real" world and the souls that I encounter in it.
Perhaps your "Me Time" is exactly that. The time in which you need to translate Guyanise into something that can be digested by the masses that you are forced to interact with?
Poodles. That's a whole new session of therapy on its own.
Ah, drugs.
I love them. They open doors for me, and give me perspectives that I would not (Or choose not) to see and acknowledge. What I find interesting about this is that they are my own perspectives, and the drugs merely unlock them for me. I have on occasion been a brash bitch and said it like it is, and you know - I'm grateful for it. There is nothing worse then suffering a bigot or fool out of some strange need to be social or amiable.
I would love to see you pumped on a few mushroom in a room of social zombies. My my my, wouldn't that be something for the Blog...
Guy, I was *not* suggesting *you* try drugs. It's cool if you do, of course, but that wasn't my point.
I did read the bit about "unimportant stuff". Let me phrase it this way then. You say you always speak the truth about important stuff, and that you never lie about what you're thinking because you have nothing to hide. You then go on to say - and I quote again to impress people for sake of appearing more competent, knowledgeable or understanding than I am. I'm sorry - but what does that have to do with sparing my feelings?
Let me put a little backstory to this: Most people couldn't care what you know about them, as long as it's stories that match their image of themselves. For example, If I define myself as being a helpful person, then stories of how I helped a granny cross a street are fantastic. I would tell the whole world about them. I would rather swallow my tongue than admit that I didn't help a friend move because I rather went shopping instead. Now I wouldn't lie about this act because the act itself is wrong. Or even because I think it was unjustified. I would lie about it because the act indicates that I am not who I want you to think I am. It goes completely against the grain of who I want to be. That to me is why people lie about acts, it's not the act, it's what it says about them that they care about.
You consider yourself a very knowledgable and creative person. So I find it interesting that the first thing you admit to lying about on a regular basis is exactly that: appearing more knowledgable. Even more interesting, in your response to me on this point, you don't even cover your point 1 again, you went straight to points 2 and 3. So are you really lying to spare my feelings or to spare your image of yourself? After all, why on earth would my feelings be hurt if you didn't know something?
And if I've still misunderstood what you're trying to say - my apologies :)
Hey Carmen,
I do not consider myself knowledgeable or intelligent. That is why I embellish or lie. So that I do appear to know what's going on. I suppose my real hatred of socials is the constant opportunity for others to expose my stupidity.
All my friends are really competent and highly intelligent, whereas I'm not so much. Which is something that I've always been aware of.
Does that answer that one?
And then to the druggies...
Sure it might give you the capacity to make person insights into one's own thoughts, opening up avenues that may not be able to be opened ordinarily.
Colin says
"in vino veritas"
I say
"nil veritas sans cognito"
Without recognition of the truth, it is meaningless. Now if your drugs allow you to realize something, as long as you can take that and use it for your own benefit than fine. Take 'em. But don't socialize with others, or rely on the drugs to do all your thinking.
And yes on some level it's you thinking, but it's not 'real' unless it can be used. I still don't like speaking to people who are not 'real'.
And yet don't really enjoy talking about 'personal' but rather about 'fact' (ie. intelligent conversation) which then scares me because I don't think I am so I lie.
Oh for fucks sakes its all too much. I wanna cookie.
/throws cookies :)
Trust me Guy - I am guilty of this more times than I care to admit. So I think is every other person on this planet, whether they care to admit it or not.
For what it's worth - I think you're underestimating your intelligence. You know when you're bluffing, you can't always tell when everyone else is ;)
Post a Comment