Well for a while I wasn't sure how to do this exactly... oh excuse me I'm burning supper again. BRB.
Only burnt my tongue. Supper I'm sure will taste great, but without my tongue I'll never know. sigh. But I digress, back to the matter at hand:
These were my five basic points:
1 - I have always maintained that no boyfriend of mine will ever change me, and I shall not attempt to change them.
2 - I have always maintained that the art of a good relationship lies in being able to do different things seperately as well as together (couples).
3 - I am a magnificent manipulator (either through others not wanting to fight, not caring, or being manipulated)
4 - I have always maintained that should I have prior plans, no partner would ever supercede those plans.
5 - A 'scoring' system in a relationship is as far as I'm concerned the first warning bell.
2 - I have always maintained that the art of a good relationship lies in being able to do different things seperately as well as together (couples).
3 - I am a magnificent manipulator (either through others not wanting to fight, not caring, or being manipulated)
4 - I have always maintained that should I have prior plans, no partner would ever supercede those plans.
5 - A 'scoring' system in a relationship is as far as I'm concerned the first warning bell.
Now lets break each one down and look at it.
1 - I have always maintained that no boyfriend of mine will ever change me, and I shall not attempt to change them.
Right, devils advocate - As humans we should learn and grow from one another. Others should inspire us, lead us to better places, and be there to allow us to stumble and start again. Sometimes a loved one may be hurting people or themselves and we need to step in and take action. We need to change their mindset. What if ones partner is a racist. Should one not try to change them? (this is pro people changing one another just by the by.) Can I think of any other good reasons to change someone? OK, time for the 'against'. If I am doing something that is harming another or myself (alcohol, heavy drugs, anger management issues) would it be changing me if my partner took me to rehab? I do not think so. It would be bringing me back to my old self, getting rid of the externally induced horror. What if I am racist? Should my partner constantly tell me it's wrong? Or only occasionally? Would I change as a result? Yes I would. But that's again EXTERNAL. It's how I perceive other humans.
How about religion? Should I try to change my partner to my religion so that he can be saved? Well we all know that was a cheap shot. I don't have a religion, and I wouldn't go out with someone who did. But what about someone who is a recluse. Should I try to change them? Try to get them to enjoy the world more? Go out, you'll see, it'll be fun? Now I know I say this to a few of my friends on a fairly regular basis. So perhaps I am a little hypocritical. I try to change them... to a way of thinking that I feel is best for them. And there is the crux of the matter I suppose.
What is best for them, as I see it. Thus I must admit others must be doing to me with the same intent. OK, so lets try this amendment:
1 - I shall not attempt to change how my boyfriend sees the world externally, but I shall try internal salvation...
Crap this doesn't really hold true. OK. So how about this: I won't try to change someones fundamental viewpoints? Fuck. That one goes to. Guilty. Right - how about this:
1 - No boyfriend of my may overtly or covertly attempt to alter ME without my approval.
There that reads...truer. Now why?
There are three things I do not like about myself:
A - My body. But I lost 3 kilos at gym and so am working on it, slowly.
B - My inability at self - control. I keep trying but give in to impulse (har har). OK so that's a big one.
C - My cowardness. I hate confrontation. I will do anything to avoid it. Lie, cheat, write letters... anything.
What I do pride myself on though is my conviction that what I hold dear is as true as I can get it, for now. I'm willing to learn, to adapt, and to change. But I suppose it has taken me so long to get to a place where I accept myself for what I am, to challenge what I am is to make less of my struggle to gain acceptance of the flawed self.
No doubt I have flaws. But I would just like a couple decades where I can learn how to be me, before I have to relearn how not to be the not-nice me. I don't need a reminder. So perhaps lets change that point number 1 again.
1 - I shall allow my boyfriend an intermittent, subtle attempt to change me, and will be more accepting of others and also intermittently attempt to change them.
Wow. That's a bit more grey isn't it? But it allows for Carmen's 1st rule of Hogwash. Rules are flexible and designed to be questioned. OK, so now that that is cleared up, I am happier with it. We are all going to try to change one another, but it shouldn't be a battle of wills, and it shouldn't be constant. Support is more important than dominion perhaps... god did I just say that?
shit the dinner. BRB
So burnt mince is on the menu. I believe in the olden days people purposefully burnt food to give it a crunchy... burnt taste. Viva le histori! I say.
So I guess a relationship must be some kind of compassionate acceptance of another. But with the caveat that one must be there to offer guidance, sometimes with a hammer, sometimes with a feather. Even if it seems a battle, it should always be treated as support, never attack.
Shit. Thanks friends. Another magical moment of self realization at how far I still need to get before I can call myself human. My alien overlords will be happy with this progress...
11 comments:
"Thanks friends. Another magical moment of self realization at how far I still need to get before I can call myself human."
Don't consider yourself alone - becoming human is something we are all still learning to do.
I agree with your conclusion, though I would probably write it this way. :)
Andrew has changed me in many ways - some good, some not so good. In many respects to me that's a natural progression of becoming part of a unit instead of just me, myself and I. I used to love going out - now I actually quite enjoy just being home with Andrew. I've probably become a little more cautious about certain things, he's become a little more impulsive. He makes it a little too easy for me to say "sod the healthy dinner, let's eat junk food", but by the same token he's eating less junk because of me. Change is not a bad thing, in fact I would say I've become a happier and more settled person because of the fact that I have him. Here's the clincher for me though: In all the ways I've changed, I've never felt like I've been forced to change or that I've had to compromise my principles to do so. Andrew has never asked me to change who I am, though I have changed as a result of the things I have learned from him. Basically I'm trying to say there's a healthy "my partner's changing who I am" and there's the "my partner is making me lose myself to make himself feel better".
This to me is what being human is all about - the fact that there is no absolute. Everything that is good becomes bad if taken to the extreme. Being completely inflexible in "staying me, aka putting my needs first" in a relationship will kill it, because then there is no "we". What you get in essence is an I and you each trying to live a life that suits them - bound to cause conflict. By the same token, bending over backwards to keep your partner happy is not healthy either, after all, you were attracted to your partner because they have a personality distinct from yours. Which brings me back to the lovely squishy stuff - figure out your own middle ground. Something that you seem to be getting to.
PS: Hogwash is an awesome word. YAY ME - I got a mention in your blog ;)
Well, I didn't get a mention...that's what I get for being too honest, I guess. :)
My whole bugbear was the idea of 'rules' for a relationship.
Changing the rules doesn't fix the problem.
Eliminating the rules would.
In (obviously) my opinion, you need to get rid of the rules and trust your feelings.
Also, bear in mind it's insanely unfair that you have these Rules Of Relationships that your partner probably isn't aware of. Because most people don't have them.
If you called them 'Guidelines' and replaced words like "must" with "might", and "never" with "might not", you might be approaching something you can actually use without suddenly finding yourself partnerless...that's kinda my point.
Oops. I meant replace "must" with "probably should".
Also, you're looking at the concept of "changing your partner" as though it's a campaign, a project. It's not. It's not an intervention. It's just a process of gradual adaptation between two people.
Carmen - that last paragraph expresses what I meant better than I ever could. Thanks. (At least he seems to listen to you.) :)
Hey you two, you both got mentioned and I responded to both of you in various ways. I don't think renaming them to guidelines will make much difference. Guidelines, rules, tenets, what feels right - I think it boils to to modus operandi.
I agree with you 'BOTH' though. Subtle compromise seems to be the order of the day.
My next question is though - do you compromise on everything for the sake of the relationship? I'm guessing the answer is no?
You're right - the answer is no. That's what I was trying to say in my last paragraph. Absolutely no compromise will result in no relationship. Compromising everything means you disappear. That's why I find it so important to be with someone who shares the same values as you do. It means that the compromises you are required to make are healthy ones, such as "I will make an effort to put the toothpaste cap on" rather than "I will stop seeing all my friends because you're jealous of them". Thing is, again this isn't a black and white issue, there can be areas of grey. For example, I value my family and want to spend as much time with them as possible. It may however be necessary for me not to see them because Andrew asked me to. For example, my sister may be in town on the same evening Andrew has a really important work function that requires spouses attendance. Andrew is my top priority, so I would go to his work function. Having said that, if I noticed that Andrew seemed to find things to do whenever my family was in town, I would question whether they were legitimate events, or whether he was finding excuses for me not to see them. If I felt that was the case, then I'd choose my family over him, as he's not respecting what's important to me.
Guy, maybe you can ask Apollo to let you know (on a scale of 1 to 10) how important a particular request of his is, to him.
:)
That was a joke.
Carmen's toothpaste cap/no-friends example is very good.
I must say of all your blog posts this is the one that's made ME think the most...
Guy, you're human. Fairly obviously. You might be a substandard *example* of a human, but it takes all types. You're human the moment you're born.
:)
What is it, exactly, you're trying to become? It's all very well feeling dissatisfied with yourself, but what are you comparing yourself to? Or should I say "who"?
Also, you're overthinking everything - I would suggest that's your central problem, although I would hesitate to label it a "problem". Most people get by with a high degree of underthinking, after all.
I think possibly you're having trouble recognizing either that (a) you have feelings, or that (b) your feelings are worth acting on, or (c) if you act on your feelings, you will make an idiot of yourself.
Now, having been guilty of (c) myself, I have since realised making a fool of myself occasionally (or even every day) actually doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would.
Also, there's nothing wrong with having more than the average amount of intelligence, which you do. But that can lead anyone to feel alone and apart, simply because you see things in a slightly different way, and because you aren't (theoretically) ruled by your emotions like many of your friends might be. But there's a difference between being ruled by your emotions and trusting your emotions.
You still have not answered my question - Did you enjoy the dinner?
I'm going to try and draw you a picture to explain this because I know thick chunks of text are not your preferred method of digesting information.
More hot air from me. Reading this blog again, I'd like to point out that I, at least, am not actually asking you to "re-examine those rules by which" you are "so fixated". I don't think Carmen was either.
I was asking you to examine whether or not you should have rules in the first place, when it comes to relationships.
Of course, we all do :
Useful rules would be :
1. Brush your teeth before a date.
2. Make sure your underwear are clean, and that you're actually wearing them.
3. Make sure they're *your* underwear.
4. Don't ask if his mother might be willing to join you during sex.
etc.
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