Then when I look at people I'd want to live with, to share my life with there is no single person I've met thus far that I would say: Forever till the day I die. Am I simply too self centered? Too specific in what I want? I know the word before I even try to spell it - narcissistic. I want myself. Except thin. I want someone who is funny, who reads Terry Pratchett, who loves Jean-Luc, thinks the last three star wars films were crap, finds it amusing to talk in funny accents... who is British by pretense and upbringing not by nationality. I want me.
Except why do I have such low self worth? It's getting better and better as time progresses, I think I'm learning not to care too much about things and how people see me. I think also that every time I take a knock to my ego, my temper flares. And I feel stupid, so terribly stupid at the same time. So why do I want me? And is it so bizarre that this is the case?
I don't know. When I look at my wonderful friends, each one of them possess some aspect that I want and take joy in and have fun with. Some are adventurous, some are comical, some are serious, others are fools. Some are creative geniuses, others are amazed and awed by simple things. If I could take each aspect from them, and build a human from it, that's the person I would want to spend the rest of my life with.
Does this make me a terrible person? So self absorbed that I can't look beyond myself? Am I so arrogant that I am perfect that I think of others as unworthy? I don't think so. I don't know. I don't want someone who compliments me. Someone who is quiet, reliable, hard-working, clever, who'll laugh at my jokes. I want someone who will stand up for themselves, argue, fight, laugh because it's funny, and then make a counter joke. I want an equal in design, not status.
Do I want a fat person? Or a large person as some people so kindly call me? I don't care. I'll have sex with the pretty boys, but will have a life partner with the One. So how is it that others don't seem to have this self desire? Surely what others strive for is what they want in their partners? I don't want a partner who is not creatively wild. I don't want a partner who doesn't obsess over their job. I don't want a partner who doesn't 'get' Monty P, or laugh at a Terry Pratchett. I'm not saying I want a partner who is in the film industry etc. Although that would be nice.
It would make things easy. And perhaps there is my true issue? Am I looking for the easy way out instead of the hard, making it work, route? Is it better to find it difficult to love someone than to find someone who is easy to love?
I think this is an interesting thought experiment for everyone to do. Get your pencils ready:
What would happen if I met myself?
Well I'd look him up and down and knock him off as some kind of gay creative who doesn't work out at all. Probably lazy. Then when he starts to speak I'd get a little buzz. Surely there are not that many people who know so much about so many irrelevant things? How could anyone be so passionate about some woman in the boer war? And now he's making stupid sarcastic jokes which are fairly amusing. But he's stubborn. God how stubborn. And he manipulates the crowds. Gets them thinking about other things whilst he makes decisions that benefit himself first... Hmmm... we shall fight over that. What is he doing now? Drawing? Writing? Making something. We could do that together... since we're both fairly good at it.
Although I might clash with myself in terms of leadership, proved that we both had enough savvy to talk about it - which I think we would - it could be shared. A united leadership is a strong leadership. What we couldn't do! Create, write, make, forge...
But I see my friends all trying to marry not themselves, but people who need something from them. Need support, need protection, need money, need to dominate. When I think about all the married relationships I know of, not one of them was equal. My grandparents used to have a power struggle with my grandfather always bowing down. My parents had the same problem, except my father refused to bow down to my grandmother (odd that isn't it, and she could never understand why).
Is that truly what love is then? The finding of someone whom you can 'use' to fill your need? A need to be relied upon? A need to go around helping? Why do people not marry because of a common desire? A common objective?
Again therein lies perhaps my downfall - why a common objective? Why can't people just marry because they want to? Why must there be some useful product at the end? Why must I find someone who will help me and I can help with in creating a painting or writing a play? Why should I not just be happy with someone who likes it when I write, will offer a bit of advice from a distance, but is busy clipping the begonia's?
My therapist once asked me why I am always so busy. At the time we decided it was because I was using as an ego boost, as a way of avoiding things that needed to be dealt with. I think he was right at that time, and I still think I do to a large degree do that, but as my patient boss keeps pointing out, I have to learn to not take on so much. Which I am doing thanks to him. But I still like to do things. A lazy Sunday with nothing to do? I don't really remember ever having one. I'm always doing something because I enjoy it.
Why write this blog? Because I enjoy it. And also it opens up my thoughts, gives me pause for thought as it were. And maybe it might help someone one day? Who knows.
So am I just a selfish, self absorbed arsehole who really just deserves to wank in a corner until I'm dead? Or am I simply too complex a person to manage to find the need for someone else in my world and so place such high demands on that someone that they can't exist? Or am I simply afraid of a relationship, and so use high standards? I don't know. If this was a film I'd have to learn to just live and let things flow, to stop thinking about them, and just go... but I know how those things are written, and I also know that I can't do that. It's not who I am.
Oh well reader, it is an interesting question I feel. One that I shall ponder for some time to come.
Ps. I just want to thank all of you wonderful people for putting up with all this crap over the last year. You have no idea how much it really has helped me. I really mean it. Thanks guys.
7 comments:
Well, as usual you have managed to hit the nail on the head as it were. I suppose all I can say is take heart from the fact that you're not the only one dealing with this sort of question. Again you're facing it in a braver way than I!
And you've once again managed to move me, by reaching out with these 'simple' questions that I think affect us all in one way or another.
Its a pleasure to have been there dude, and my personal thanks to you as well, for being you!
"So am I just a selfish, self absorbed arsehole who really just deserves to wank in a corner until I'm dead?"
No. But if you met yourself that's the judgement you'd render. I can't think of a worse couple, Guy & Guy 2. One of you would be dead within a week. It's very amusing to think about.
Oh, and you did indeed spell 'narcissistic' incorrectly.
"I want someone who will stand up for themselves, argue, fight, laugh because it's funny, and then make a counter joke. I want an equal in design, not status."
And that's generally what it boils down to when you find a person you can imagine spending the rest of your life with. What I found was that there where certain things were I absolutely needed a carbon copy of me. For me though, those things are not in terms of personality traits, but rather in terms of values. I need someone who will base their decisions from a similar moral platform to the one I have - but that's not what you'd necessarily want. I wanted someone with similar interests, as I can't imagine anything worse than not being able to have any form of common ground in terms of hobbies. If I'm truly honest about it, most of the things I wanted, were the things that were similar or safe or common with me.
In the end though, I realise that in the long term what is going to keep (well, for as much as anyone can promise that :) ) my relationship fresh and interesting is the areas where Andrew and I are different. Where he fills the hole in my personality that I don't have. I've realised that a relationship should end up making the whole greater than the parts - and that can't happen if you're exact carbon copies of each other. After 7 years I've realised that the things that keep things interesting and fresh, that challenge me as a person in our relationship are not the parts where I automatically agree with Andrew because we're the same, but exactly where we're different. The trick is finding someone with whom you can be different in a way that complements, rather than makes you walk different paths.
Take this from a sleep deprived new mommy, who has to cut her letter short to go and feed her little one.
One last thing :) Relationships also very often look very different from the outside to the way they look from the inside.
And - in terms of relationships all being about marrying someone who needs something from you. It works exactly the same way back. Andrew does need me, but I need qualities he has too. If that give and take isn't even, then I think you have issues.
I think Carmen you are quite right. I'm glad you posted thank you. I see you and Andrew as being a great couple because of what you've said. You guys are equals, even if you are a better WoW player... :)
But perhaps you are right - it is a quest to find moral/ethical/intellectual compatibility as opposed to personal qualities. It's just so very complex.
Thanks all for responding in such insightful ways.
"But I see my friends all trying to marry not themselves, but people who need something from them. Need support, need protection, need money, need to dominate. When I think about all the married relationships I know of, not one of them was equal."
You make it sound very one-sided. It might be better to think of it as two jigsaw pieces. One person complements the other. Together, they are complete - ideally. When it works it's a beautiful thing to see.
We all have areas where we're strong and where we're weak. If your partner provides the opposite strong/weak pattern, it's good for both people.
Unfortunately, yes, many relationships fall short of this ideal. But wouldn't you say a couple who formed on the basis of being able to 'complete' each other, in this sense, are stronger than a couple who form on the basis of their similarities?
Shared interests (knowing what function redshirts perform in Star Trek, for example) don't form part of the above. It's necessary to have some common ground.
(Also, you're skimming the comments, not reading them. You actually spelled 'narcissistic' correctly. That was a test, which you failed.) :)
I know I spelt it correctly because Chrome has an inbuilt 'spellcheck' and it corrected it for me. I just didn't want to correct you (ha hahahaha) because you wrote nice stuff and I didn't want to burst your bubble...
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