I could never understand why my younger sister so openly rebelled against myself, my mother, and my grandparents. She refused to wear 'decent' clothes, and wanted to do things to her hair that the rest of us thought foolish. But now I find myself have sms screaming matches with my mother on these very subjects! When I told her about my tattoo she was gobsmacked. This quickly gave way to my mothers usual shocked indifference, which then shifted finally to her typical plea for 'sanity' and for me to 'make the right decisions' not for her sake, but for my own.
Now I love my mother, and I understand where she is coming from. She loves me and doesn't want to see me do things to myself now that I may regret when I'm older. There is a certain irony in her desires, and perhaps it is because of those ironies that I find myself turning from loving son who never set a foot wrong, and who is fairly anal about abiding by the rules, into a screamin 15 year rebel who fights against his parents and sneaks out of the house - blow your rules! Why? Why do I find it so hard to not simply agree with my mother, nod wisely about her concerns, understand her concerns, and then quietly go and do what I want anyway. After all, it would make her life a lot easier - she'd be less stressed for one thing. Which in turn would make me feel like less of a monster for going against her wishes.
What is boils down to though is that I don't believe she is right. I think she is very, very wrong. Perhaps I am in rebel mode, perhaps all this sex has addled my brain. Perhaps I'm so obssessed with fitting in that I'm doing stupid things just to impress my friends. Sounds like a normal 15 year old kid to me. When I was 15 I was playing Star Trek, domineering my friends, working out how to manipulate people into doing my bidding, and generally being a control freak. Now, I'm still playing Star Trek (some things never change), but now I'm supporting my friends, I'm not judging them on their actions, in fact I'm encouraging them to discover their true nature. Surely this is a better thing?
And so what if this is all based on emotional backwash from sex or from nearly being 30 or from just being fed up with pretending to be an old person? I am not going to justify to you or anyone why I want a tattoo. Or why Iwant to do X and not Y. And I feel that I shouldn't need to do that for my parents either. What I choose to do, or choose not to do is my OWN decision. Right or wrong I need to learn for myself. So that perhaps one day I can tell someone - hey tattoos might seem cool, but wait till your skin falls off. At least though I will have first hand knowledge because I will have done it. This then raises that age old retort - oh so you going to stick your hand in the fire just once? Or jump off a bridge? Or take drugs? The answer to this should be yes and no. No I'm not going to stick my hand in the fire you fucktard because it will fucking burn. This is called a scientific principle. Jump off a bridge? Is it safe? Has an expert in the field said so? If so, then yes, I'll jump. If not, then I might not. Take drugs? Well perhaps. Am I with trusted friends or total coke-head strangers? I will never know what it's like if I don't try. And if I do try, and I do get addicted, well that speaks of a deeper psychological problem which will then be dealt with.
In short I feel we as Humans can be told about certain things that have definates. Speed and you will get a fine. Play with a snake and you will get bitten. But when it comes to 'if', 'what about', and 'because I say so' we tend to loose credibility. We spend enough of our time telling ourselves these stupid projections: If I ask her out, she'll probably slap me because I don't believe in myself. To have others do it for us, I think we are more resistant to them because they may be mirroring the very thoughts inside our own heads. So with this in mind I now have a second maxim to which I shall devote my life:
1 - Speak your mind, those that matter don't mind, those that mind don't matter.
2 - You don't know until you try (unless it's a given).
And the only way it can be a given is if it can be proven with fact and maths. Put a gun to your head and pull the trigger - you will die. Get your ear pierced it may, or may not stretch all the way down to your toes over time.
It's like deciding to have a relationship or not based on whether you think you'll need to break up with the person in the future. It's fucking self defeating. So stop with the lectures, stop with the conjectures, stop with the projectures about what if, maybe, might, possibly, or don't you think. Either give me proof, or shut the fuck up. This then leads me to faith.
Yes I know not the strongest link I've ever written, but it's the second part of what is on my mind at the moment. My possibly-boyfriend-but-we-don't-know-yet-as-we're-still-testing-something is a believer in god (I refuse the capitol letter on point). I am not. I have tried it, and thought genuinly that I was at one stage. But at present I am not. I'm fanatical in my adherance to my belief in not believing. I will argue about it till the cows come home. There is no deity running around making things happen.
But there have been some truly strange things happening recently. I shall list them chronologically for your benefit:
1 - One night I spent in the arms of some lover I discovered his liking of being nibbled. The next morning my flatmate related a dream of his from the previous night wherein he got so frustrated with his partner that he ate him. I thought that was odd.
2 - My present partner was convinced I'd met someone named Peter for lunch. I don't know anyone called Peter. However a few days later I returned home from a business trip early to discover a distant friend and his brother were coming over, a brother named: Peter.
3 - I have been a loyal subscriber to a dating website for the better part of six years. In that time I've met a total of 2 people, 1 of whom I actually met and shagged. Since finding my present squeeze (whom I a very fond of) I have had no less than four out of the blue requests from said dating site from individuals who would not normally talk to me.
Now I know these seem like major points of god-like testing/karma etc. And I'd been inclined to brush them off with that arguement. But what it got me thinking about was why do I so desperately NOT want a god in my life? What is it that I am so reluctant to embrace? My first response to that is: Well that's like wondering why you don't believe in the planet being run by spacemonkey's who control everyone's thoughts via their sperm which they slip into KFC. It's just a stupid, misguided, self serving, population control idea. So no point in believing. But what has led me to this place of such cynical denial? Why am I so 'enlightened' and yet seemingly so many around me are not?
I don't have an answer. I shall go and look for one. Till then, rebel against your elders, they know jack, do something you've always wanted to do, and try figure out why you do or do not need a god in your existance...and then share with us.
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