A queer thing...

I was asked today a very interesting question, which I felt inspired to try to answer to the best of my limited capabilities. I was asked: When did I decide I was gay. My immediate reaction was - I didn't decide. I just am. He didn't seem satisfied. And neither was I. When did I realize I was gay? At what point did I understand what gay was? Well first lets define a few things: 

1. One never chooses to be gay, bisexual, or straight. It's not a conscious decision. You don't choose to have two legs, and you can't decide what is funny or not. It is just something that we have as Humans. 

2. Gay, to me, is not simply a sexual action (I will clarify later on this). I am gay though because I get excited thinking about penises and pecs, not vagina's and breasts.

3. One has no choice in the matter on what one finds sexually attractive, mentally attractive, or spiritually attractive.

4. There is a difference in the above (3) statement. 

So - lets work through this. Lets start with sex. When I was growing up the first 'sexual' encounter I had was at the tender age of 5. I had a little Zulu girl as a friend and one day we stuck bits of grass into one anothers genitals (not far mind you, it was more prodding), kind of like Chimps fishing for ants. We were not aroused by the act, merely curious as to why there was a difference. We did it once and that was it. (Incidentally this was the last time I came into close proximity with a cunny).  We never gave it a second thought. Until now of course. (Obviously she may have remembered it fondly for years, but I don't know what became of her or her mother.)

Then a couple of years later, I was about 7 or 8 and my female cousin and I were playing doctor. I had my pants down and she was doing something to my botty when her father walked in, and then very embarrassed walked out. I was mortified. I knew on some level what we were doing was wrong. Nothing came of it though. No screaming and shouting. Of course at this stage in ones life girls are just playmates. Then in class two I met a boy. I was instantly attracted to him. Not in a sexual way. Sex didn't exist then to me. He was everything I was not. Tall, blond, good looking, bold - everyone wanted to be his friend (ironically everyone wanted to be my friend and I ignored them for him). He was good at everything I was not, and he was in Standard Three! I wanted to be around him all the time. Sometimes I was, sometimes I was not. But he still sticks out in my mind as being one fine piece of beef. I didn't really want to do anything with him, just be around him. The others were for playing games. He was just for being with. 

Then Standard Three rolled on. And I moved schools. And I met Him. This chap was shy, reserved, and a genius. He laughed at my jokes (always scores points with me), was also blond, and perfect. I wanted to be near him as well. At this point I began to desperately want to see his willy. I don't know why, but I did. I tried every trick in the book. Locker-room glances, but since I hated sport I never brought my PE clothes so I was seldom allowed in. I even took him to a mud pit and got us plastered in mud, and made a tentative suggestion that we remove our clothes to keep them clean. He didn't buy it... the bugger. 

In Standard Five I was pressured into marrying a girl during lunch break. Probably the closest I'll ever get. In Standard Six I was picked on for being gay. I rebuked the idea and the characters responsible, me gay? Never! Ummm... what does that mean? I knew it meant something bad, but I wasn't sure what exactly it meant. The boy from Standard Three was still there, and very much dear to me. Increasingly so day by day. But in Standard Six I learned about girls and sex and what was supposed to happen. I remember being vaguely aware of it in Standard Five, but Dungeons and Dragons was more interesting at the time. In Standard Six I learned all the facts of life from my various friends. And in Standard Seven the Internet arrived. And so did the porn. In black and white, downloaded on a 14400 modem... in the dead of night. 

What would happen was another friend of mine would surf with me looking for ' naked women'. Then when he went to bed I'll look for men. And then if he came back - I'd comment how the bloody site took me there by mistake.

From there it gets boring. So by Standard Seven I knew I was gay. Officially. One could argue I was aware of being gay as early as Standard Five, but I didn't really know what it meant till much later. So that deals with the sexual side of things. But don't close the book on sexual... just yet. I'm often asked, some ask... was asked once, in passing - don't you find the female form attractive?

WARNING - BELOW ARE TWO PICS - BOTH WITH CLOTHS ON

Here is arguably a sexy female and male in very tight clothes. Let's compare. Strong jaw on the man, with intense dark eyes that promise nothing but intense focus and honesty. For her I see beguiling, luring eyes which promise a great deal but for whom? She has big, sultry lips, which to me dwarf her nose. His nose is strong, his mouth is firm. He is strong, she is curvaceous. Her frame is lithe, supple, and seductive. His is strong, independent, and not afraid of anything. Notice how her shape guides the eye to her hidden treasures, which she provocatively hides. His package is there in front. Deal with it. In other words there is an honest openness that the male has which to me is far more attractive than the secrets the female form hints at. I want to feel, physically the body of my lover. He would feel me back. I suspect she might not be able to. And don't start on the breasts. I refused to be breast fed as a child, and I won't suckle no titty now either. Openness and strength of purpose; I suppose is a fundamental part of my journey of self. I have sought direct, open honestly for so long because for so long I have been hiding myself. I have been the "woman" behind the make-up and the secrets (I do NOT WANT to be a woman, and am allergic to make-up). I want to be a man who can strut about with his package leading the way, and speak the truth and be honest about what I am and what I want. Does that mean that now I am becoming these things I shall want a woman?

This leads us (neatly and beautifully if you'll notice) to the second side of gay. The mental and spiritual. I link these two because I'm not spiritual. I'm creative. And that is a result of my mental faculties. If I look at the picture of that hunk in a speedo I get excited, physically. But a few short, sharp, stokes and the excitement is gone. And I'm not interested in the image for a couple of hours... And I don't consider a partner a partner if it's just sex. That's just fucking for fun. A partner is more than that. And to me so is being gay. 

I'm not just gay because of penis and pec lust. If I talk to a woman (most of the women I talk to) are simply emotional hunters. They are interested in talking about their emotions, but not acting to change them. I don't know how many women have prattled on for hours about their problems, and then when I've offered advise, they seem to resist it (and I'm sure you've experienced the same thing). They want to solve their own problems via talking and talking and talking. And they don't have nearly the same ideas about life as men do. This is not a new statement. There are whole libraries devoted to the subject. But men - when you really connect - will listen to one another, make battle plans, and try to fix a problem. As I write this I can already read the bias I have towards men, and against women. I just don't like them. They are not interested in anything I am interested in, their insights are usually off the mark, and they are emotional players, who seem to get frustrated easily*. Men seem to be more tenacious in solving problems, actually want to solve problems, and can be honest about their motives.**

So when I say I'm gay it is because of these fundamentals: 

1 - I am sexually attracted to men and not women.

2 - I am drawn to people who think like I do.

3 - I want to be near strong characters who are not submissive (feminine)

Why spend the afternoon with a woman watching some stupid romantic comedy when I can spend the afternoon with a guy watching some alien rip a woman's head off? Why argue over which restaurant we will go to, and then sit with a sulking Susan when we can flip a coin and eat somewhere where the food is fast and cheap? And the whole opening doors, lifting and carrying, and standing up in front of women? They burned the bra in 1912 to be equal. Now they must deal with it. 

In other words if the only thing that attracts heterosexuals to women is their vagina's and breasts, and in exchange they are willing to put up with all the emotional turmoil and mental discord, as far as I'm concerned the hays are missing the plot. But if the hays are drawn to being a protector of these impish creatures, and find it entertaining listening to emotional drivel or mundane stuff without being able to say can-it, then I can understand. 

In short dear reader I have never liked women, always liked men (in all aspects) and so that is what makes me gay. The only choice I have ever had is whether or not I should declare this to the general public. It took me a while, but now I can. So perhaps ask yourself - do you want strength, honesty, and fulfilment in your relationship? If you're not getting that - perhaps it's time to step out of the closet and try the other side?

* - I have met several notable women who do not do this and whom I love as sisters. 

** - there are many queens running around who are basically on the same level as the emotional hunters.