The Awesomeness of life on the dark side

I know I've done one of these the other day but I feel that I need to express it again. I am surrounded by amazing people. Take for example James who posted such a wonderfully supportive comment about my last article. I didn't ask him to do it, hell I didn't ask him to read it. But he did. And my dearest friends around me. I come home furious with office issues and the guys cook me dinner, bring me tea and give me my space. Other friends take me to expensive dinners, still others send sms'es trying to ask me how I'm holding up. My parents - both of them - remain worried about my future. My sister is equally concerned about my existence.

I do not have words enough to say how much I love each one of them, friends and family, and how much I feel honoured with their support. I can only hope to match this in some small way. Now perhaps I'm just odd, but I suspect not. Have you recently thanked your friends and family for being there for you? It's a simple act, and for me I feel almost stupid saying it. But we most certainly need to say it regularly.

Ironically everyone is saying how brave I am for bringing my life out into the open, and for candidly discussing my thoughts on existence, and yet it is these very people who seem genuinely keen to learn more and share more that I was so afraid to come out to. I don't care what the rest of the world thinks about me, I care only what my friends and family think. My 'Brave' act was self created. And I think we often do this to ourselves. We trap ourselves into a circle of self created fear and obstacles. When we give in to these self created demons we loose sight of why we are here. I'm not talking in a biblical sense, I'm talking in an existence sense. I feel we're here to learn, experience, and ultimately have fun. Then we die. But we can make a difference on this rock and it is that which drives me. I know for others it is not the same. But how can I make my difference if I'm trapped within a circle of self created fear?

So I've been looking recently at all my fears. Which ones are real, and which ones are not? My fear of snakes - well that's created. I know snakes are not out to get me. Why do I have this fear? I don't know. I still have an embarrassed reaction to telling people that I'm gay. I don't know why this is. So far every single person I've told has been nothing but supportive. In most cases they've been more supportive than I could have dreamed for. So why now should I remain fearful of a negative reaction? Am I just being silly? Yes. Is it holding me back? In some ways. But a lot less than in the past.

Now I have one slight issue that I'm not sure how to deal with. Xartan was here the other day, and played Dungeons and Dragons for nearly four days straight. He was insatiable. Morning, noon, and night he wanted to play. He even skipped attending his usual religious meets because it would decrease his playing time. Something that has not happened in years. So naturally I was curious as to why.

It turns out that Xartan sees his present world as that of Luke Skywalker on Dagobah. He is in training for the day when he can become a Jedi Knight. It is hard work, self sacrifice, and smelly. But occasionally he has to make a trip to Jabba the Hutt's palace. I, aka Jabba, provide him with the opportunity to engage in an orgy of the flesh (if only dears he's gorgeous). By flesh I mean of course the sins of... gluttony, self indulgence etc. So as Jabba I and my den of evil provide him with a place where he can have his soul attacked by the forces of darkness so that when he returns to Yoda he is drained and has a greater desire to become a Jedi than before. Although he seeks he light side, he needs the dark side to provide perspective and give renewed vigor to his training. Now he did point out that he refers to me as Jabba simply because of Jabba's obsession with self indulgence... not because we share a similar body shape. Oh stop laughing. But I have to agree - paint me green and let me lounge on a couch naked and it's gonna be tricky spotting the real Jabba. BUT ANYWAY...

So now my difficultly is then in my quest to find myself I've been cast as an evil crime lord (incidentally demoted in Xartan's fantasy from the Evil Emperor to Jabba as I'm now at least only inflicting my evil on myself and not others as I did in the past) who has a den of debauchery that occasions to host a padawan for a couple days so the padawan can get his rocks off. I am not sure how this makes me feel. What I thought to be a quest for inner enlightenment and truth he sees as a journey into darkness. To different perspectives, but I did have a dream after hearing about this that I was the devil and I was torturing Xartan in an attempt to get him to turn to the darkside. (There may have been some sexual bits but I'll skip that.)

How does one respond to such a statement? Oh I think you're the dark lord of evil. At the beginning of this blog I thank all my wonderful friends for helping me. Should I instead be expecting tribute from my enslaved vassal dark knights? Perhaps I should feel nothing about their generosity. After all I'm the dark lord and they're just my minions. Or should I stop to wonder at Xartan's idea of good and evil? That he can ascribe to my journey such a dark and lonely existence - be he's been there before? Xartan has never been a gay man learning how to enjoy life. He's been a young buck running around fucking every woman that moved. He's been lost and curious and confused for as long as I've known him. Surely his ascription (to ascribe something - new word for the week) of my status is a projection of his past, and not my present? At least I hope so.

I don't consider myself evil. I like to play evil characters in Dungeons and Dragons because I'm not bound to put up with shit from anyone, and can have them 'removed' if I want. But that's fantasy. In real life at best I could say I'm sarcastically evil. I make fun of idiots because I can. Am I evil that way? I don't think so. Am I evil because I accept my sexuality? I don't see how. A red haired person is not evil because their hair is red (as used to be the case a couple hundred years ago). But then again sexuality is specifically written about in the good book. There are rules which I am not about to start following. Now the majority of the rules in that book are fabulous - don't kill etc.

But does that mean that whomever does not follow the rules is evil? Part of me says YES. Speed on the road, and you're a bad person. Pay a bribe and you're a bad person. Deal in or take drugs... perhaps. So if the good book says I'm an evil person for choosing not to follow the good book - does that make me a bad person. Well according to Xartan it does. According to other books it doesn't. Who's book do you follow? They all say they're right and the rest are wrong.

So here is a philosophical idea that may sound strange: What if we all have our own rules with only one common set that we can draw from? We could do the whole - murder, rape, covert, and lie set. Those are good. Because they affect other people. What about the rules that only affect ourselves? Don't masturbate? Don't eat pork? Eat only with your right hand? Do we keep those? I say no. What is good for me is not necessarily good for you. What does a man with only a left hand do to eat? I love pork, and it is no different - nutritionally than beef. Does a recorded halal prayer have less of an effect than a real one? If the imam really meant the prayer at the time of the recording does it retain it's value when replayed on a DVD a year later?

In short good readers - and I'm ending here - live by your own rules and don't be afraid of others. We're all afraid of each other it would appear, and none of us are brave enough to realize it (well some of us are). Your friends are there for life, treat them well, invite them to your den of evil from time to time, and don't be afraid to share: ITS YOUR LIFE, YOU DIDN'T ASK FOR IT, BUT YOU GOT IT - SO USE IT.